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Who would you kill?

"God doesn't close a door without opening a window" chick. You may think you're already depressed, but there's no despair that can't be exacerbated by some religious twit pouncing on every opportunity to assert that if you'd only validate their beliefs, your frown is a mere half-turn from being a smile!

The field. This would be the utterer of every other feel-good cliche. You have to get through the pain to get past it, one day at a time (although time heals all wounds); because it just wasn't meant to be and better days lie ahead, we must live life on life's terms because everything happens for a reason.

The Winner: "God never closes a door without opening a window" chick. The Field is merely stupid and lazy. The keeper of God's window, on the other hand, is stupid, lazy, and presumes to speak for God.

WWYK: whiney bitches vs. bitchy whiners

Who would you kill?

Indians upset that a minor scene in the Avengers took place in an Indian slum. When 42% of your country is below the poverty line, perhaps you could more constructively channel some of the calories you expended bitching about a superhero movie.

Adopted folks angered by arguably the funniest line in the Avengers. We have officially become a nation of whiney pussies who parse every morsel of popular culture for offense so that we can claim victim status. And how dare Joss Whedon not include a doughy, bald superhero? I demand an apology, if not reparations.

Winner: This is really a tossup. I'm going to go with the Indians, though, because I'm sick of asking "Bob" from Calcutta to repeat himself on the phone.

Who would you kill?

Uppity bicyclist. When you suggest that perhaps, just maybe, it's not the safest notion in the world for him to ride his bike in the middle of the lane on a congested road with poor visibility, he is instantly hostile. "I have every bit as much right to the road as you!" he snarls, as if this were remotely your point. And then, having grandiosely claimed equal rights, he casually blows through the red light at which you must stop.

"Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do" bicyclist. I deal with this guy daily. For some reason, hordes of him have decided that Metamuville is an awesome bicycling destination. Thus do these hordes wobble slowly down 2-lane, 10-mile long, 55 mph Metamuville Road, which alternately has a wide berm and no berm whatsoever. You're driving along at the speed limit, and suddenly you have to slam on the brakes to keep from killing a 'tard in yellow spandex who drifted in your path because he's trying to take a photo with his iPhone.

WINNER: Daisy, Daisy is tempting, since the iPhone thing just happened to me an hour ago, but math don't lie: giant dick > clueless moron. Uppity Bicyclist wins a spirited battle.

Who would you kill?

Chickenshit bigoted guy. You've seen him. He's all over web forums. Invariably, his ID is itself an idiotic assertion, like TRUTHspeaker. What his ID never is: his actual name. He uses a lot of CAPS. He types certain, declarative sentences, thinking this makes them more factual. He uses condescending language, thinking this puts you at a disadvantage. Examples: "I hate to tell you, Obama is a Muslim socialist." or "I'm sorry, but GOD HATES FAGS." For someone so clearly miserable, he also laughs a surprising amount: "I have to laugh at the way you lemmings slurp up the liberal media propaganda." He is everywhere. He makes damned sure of that. He could turn a local restaurant review into an indictment of affirmative action.

Chickenshit liker guy. That moronic "GOD hates fags" comment will doubtless have 17 thumbs up from other readers.

WINNER: I'm sorry, but Liker Guy makes me LAUGH. Bigoted Guy is a miserable, hateful cancer on society. Liker Guy is all those things, plus lazy.

open season

This "Who Would You Kill" series of posts is dedicated to Leon the Barber and one Larry Joe Bird. The connection is a tad strained.

In the 80s, the Detroit Pistons had a fan called Leon the Barber. He threw verbal daggers the opposing players. Rusty daggers. He was obnoxious.

When in his 60s, Leon yelled to veteran player Artis Gilmore: ``Hey, Artis, coming to our class reunion?`` That sort of thing.

Nothing was taboo to him. He desecrated photos of opposing players' mothers and mistresses. From his seat behind the bench, he would read loudly from their divorce decrees. Whatever it took to get in the head of the opponent.

Which brings us to Mr. Bird, a man of few words who nonetheless offered this gem when asked about Leon: "If there was ever an open season on fans, he'd be the first one I'd bag."

It is in this spirit that I dedicate my WWYK bracket.

Who would you kill?

The Underwear Bomber Yeah, he failed to blow up that plane, but just look at what this bumblefuck and his shoe-bombing cousin created. Please remove your shoes after your genitals' imaging, citizen. Oh, and I see a Happy Hanukkah is in order!

The Tylenol Killer Before this asshat, opening a bottle of steak sauce didn't require pliers. You twisted the lid. It came off. You poured. A few deaths from poisoned Tylenol later, that bottle had both the impenetrable plastic shield and the paper disk thing you either bite off or push in. Hell, even bleach has a safety seal. Lest someone poison the bleach.

WINNER: Tylenol Killer. I bite off fragments of paper disks way more often than I fly. Plus he, you know, killed some people.

Okay, I've made out my bracket. Together, we're going to decide who on earth most deserves to be offed.

"I Only Watch Soccer" Guy. There exists a female variant, but I'm old school enough to think talking about killing women rude. If this guy were content to only watch soccer, we wouldn't have a beef with him. But what he really enjoys is saying he only watches soccer, usually in response to you mentioning some other sport. "Yes," you reply. "I've always thought what American football really needs is more fan deaths, flopping and nil-nil matches." He's a close cousin of "I Don't Own a TV" Guy, who also lives life waiting impatiently for a chance to say that sentence.

"GET IN THE HOLE!" Guy. It started out with putts and short chip shots. Tiger Woods would plunk the ball toward the hole, and some idiot in the gallery would scream "GET IN THE HOLE!" I know. Me neither. Then it entered its ironic phase, where Tiger will be teeing up on a par 5 and someone screams ironically "GET IN THE HOLE!" Ha, ha. You're very witty. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Wow, you're not tired of that yet?

WINNER: "I Only Watch Soccer" Guy. Means of execution: strangling with his own vintage t-shirt.

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