Recently in awards Category

In the otherwise magnificent Carnegie museum in Pittsburgh, there's an exhibit about race. Sadly, predictably, what purports to be thoughtful really just mines the worst of humanity for dramatic effect. I was disappointed.

This wall features quotes from locals about race relations. Which brings us to a woman who really, truly needs to specify antecedents to her pronouns when granting interviews.


victim of the week: tom brady

Rewarding achievements in claiming victimization

In January, a Colts defender intercepted a pass and noted that the ball provided and used by the Patriots was underinflated. An NFL investigation showed that yes, almost all of the Pats' balls were underinflated. What's the competitive advantage there? The ball is easier to throw and catch, and fumbles become mysteriously rare—right up until the same running back goes to the Bengals and his fumbles soar, anyway. More to the point, it's against the rules. It's cheating.

All eyes turned to Tom Brady, who did himself no favors by disavowing all knowledge and saying he had no idea who the equipment manager was after having thrown footballs with the guy during warmups for 15 years. For good measure, when the NFL asked to see his related text messages, Mr. Brady declined.

As a fellow cheater who's incapable of manning up and admitting it, I understand completely.

But then Brady's agent unleashed this:

"What does it say about the league office's protocols and ethics when it allows one team to tip it off to an issue prior to a championship game, and no league officials or game officials notified the Patriots of the same issue prior to the game? This suggests it may be more probable than not that the league cooperated with the Colts in perpetrating a sting operation."
Pretty much, buddy, yeah. They got a tip your client was cheating, and then they sought the proof. Sorry about the whole absence of "Hey, just a heads up, if you were planning on cheating this weekend, we're going to be trying to catch you. Cheers!"

I'm sure when the police get a tip that a suspected serial burglar is going to hit house x on Friday night, the very first thing the cops do is call the robber and warn him of their surveillance that night.

Never forget: Tom Brady is the real victim, here.

"What the Fucking Fuck?" awards 


The Cosby Show's cousin Oliver decided to get ahead of any rumors. Unfortunately, she writes like an actress:

"I was NOT taking advantage of by Mr. Cosby when I was on the Cosby Show!"


"What the Fucking Fuck?" awards 

  rob motto

I don't speak for the movement, but I'm pretty sure they'd prefer the support of people who know the meaning of big SAT words like "equal" and "especially."


victim of the week: melissa nelson

You know Melissa. She's the hot dental hygenist who was fired because the dentist's wife found his interest in her threatening. For the good of his marriage, he let her go.

He is, I should note, a mustache-twirling villain. He made all manner of inappropriate remarks about her appearance, about his boners, and whatnot. He is a pig who is clearly guilty of sexual harassment.

But Melissa didn't sue him for sexual harassment. She sued him for discriminatory hiring practices. He has no right to fire her simply because he finds her too tempting, she argued.

My god, what a sense of entitlement on this one. To be clear: employers can fire whoever they want to fire. To prevent abuses, certain classes are protected. "Hot chicks" ain't one of these protected classes. Although god knows they want to be.

victim of the week: danica patrick

Rewarding achievements in claiming victimization

"Do you call Blake Griffin a sex symbol because he was on the cover of Men's Health with his shirt off?" asks Patrick.


"People just don't know what to call women who look attractive. The easiest thing to do..."


"...that gets the most attention..."


" (calling me a) 'sex symbol.' I don't think that's who I am, but it is how people describe me," she said.

victim of the week: floyd mayweather

Rewarding achievements in claiming victimization

Fresh off his saying Filipino fighter Manny Pacquiao is a "yellow chump" and that "I'll make that motherfucker make me a sushi roll and cook me some rice," American boxer Floyd Mayweather is commenting on Jeremy Lin.

"All the hype is because he's Asian. Black players do what he does every night and don't get the same praise."
It's about time someone called out the planet for not showering enough attention on black NBA players. Criticized, Floyd responded like only a good American could: he claimed victimhood.
"Its OK for ESPN to give their opinion but I say something and everyone questions Floyd Mayweather. I'm speaking my mind on behalf of other NBA players. They are programmed to be politically correct and will be penalized if they speak up. Other countries get to support/cheer their athletes and everything is fine. As soon as I support Black American athletes, I get criticized."
Wow. So much stupidity, so dense. If stupidity were an astronomical body, this would be a neutron star. Where to start?

  1. It's spelled "it's." Three letter words are tough; I know.

  2. What opinion did ESPN give? That Jeremy Lin set an all-time scoring record— white, black, brown and yellow?

  3. You didn't state your opinion. You stated as fact what other people feel. That makes you a stupid dick with delusions of omniscience.

  4. Everyone questions you? That's a lot of people. Perhaps you're just a stupid dick with delusions of relevance.

  5. People who talk in third person are stupid dicks.

  6. I'm pretty sure NBA players wouldn't choose a racist, stupid dick as their spokesperson.

  7. Name an NBA player who's been penalized for speaking up. I'll wait.

  8. People who use "politically correct" in defense of their racist remarks are stupid, racist dicks.

  9. "Other countries?" What country were you speaking about, the country of Asian people? As opposed to the United States of Floyd Mayweather, which supports black athletes. Wait. This is starting to make sense to me. I need to stop.

death to tyrants

Anyone else disturbed by how much they enjoy the grisly demise of murderous dictators?

Schadenfreude. Because karma so rarely actually works.

victim of the week: hank williams

Rewarding achievements in claiming victimization

Hank Williams was given a chance, by Fox News no less, to back off his comparison of a golfing Obama to a man who ordered the gassing of an entire people and who caused the deaths of 30 million. Questioned about his analogy, Williams entrenched as only the vomitously stupid can.

"Every time the media brings up the tea party it's painted as racist and extremists – but there's never a backlash – no outrage to those comparisons."
His employer, ESPN, subsequently stopped using him in their high-profile Monday Night Football intros. You know what's coming, don't you?
"ESPN stepped on the Toes of The First Amendment Freedom of Speech!"
This will be hard for my international readers to understand, so allow me to explain: some Americans are so moronic, so drunk on their sense of entitlement, they've actually convinced themselves that their employer is legally compelled to pay said moronic, entitled American to damage their brand.

victim of the week: rashard mendenhall

Rewarding achievements in claiming victimization

We have our first repeat winner.

Fresh off his intellectual triumph where he compared slavery with football players opting to play a game in exchange for millions of dollars, Rashard Mendenhall did it again. When Bin Laden died, Mendenhall took that occasion to question the truth about 9/11 and Bin Laden's guilt. Yes, the same Bin Laden caught on tape boasting about perpetrating 9/11.

Well, it turns out that Champion, a company paying Mendenhall to endorse their products, didn't want their products to be associated with such controversy, so they dropped Mendenhall. And now he's suing. But it's not about the money, his lawyer says; it's about his right to express himself. As for Champion? They have no right to determine who they pay to endorse their products, no matter how badly his mouth damages their bottom line.

Clap. Clap. Clap.

victim of the week: the outraged texter

Rewarding achievements in claiming victimization

Entitled assholes who text during movies normally just make me stabby. But this imbecile, she delights and amazes. Remember, people: you weren't bothered.

And if I had a Hero of the Week award, I would name it after the Alamo Drafthouse.

victim of the week: abraham foxman

Rewarding achievements in claiming victimization

So former NFL player Tiki Barber has been hiding from the media by living in his agent's attic.

"Lep's Jewish," Barber joked. "And it was like a reverse Anne Frank thing."

Funny? Not particularly. In fact, it's closer to defacating on Auschwitz's mass graves, if the level of hyperbole aimed at Mr. Barber is any indication. Abraham H. Foxman, attention-seeking missile (and also national director of the Anti-Defamation League), described Barber's comment thusly:

"Holocaust trivialization continues to spread and finds new ways and expressions that shock the conscience...Our history and experiences are ours and deserve greater respect than being abused or perverted by Tiki Barber. The analogy to Anne Frank is not funny, it is outrageous and perverse...Her life should never be debased or degraded by insensitive and offensive analogies."

A Jew publicly crucifying an undeserving black man? Why, it's like a double-reverse Jesus thing.

victim of the week: kareem

Rewarding achievements in claiming victimization

"I don't understand it. It's either an oversight or they're taking me for granted," Abdul-Jabbar told The Sporting News in a recent interview. "I'm not going to try to read people's minds, but it doesn't make me happy. It's definitely a slight. I feel slighted."

And why does Mr. Abdul-Jabbar feel so slighted, you ask? Because no statue of him has been erected outside the Staples Center arena. Where, incidentally, he never played.

victim of the week: rashard mendenhall

Rewarding achievements in claiming victimization

Sorry, Adrian Peterson, but you have been outperformed.

Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall, on the state of labor relations in the NFL:

"Anyone with knowledge of the slave trade and the NFL could say that these two parallel each other."
When questioned about the aptness of this analogy, Mendenhall, like an obedient slave, lashed out at his critics:
"If you look back and dissect what I said, I [didn't] say that the NFL was slavery, I said that they parallel each other. Look up the word parallel. This means that they're not the same thing, but they run the same course. These paths will never cross, but they mirror each other. I could break down how, but that would take an amount of ideology and big words that a lot of you wouldn't understand."
I, for one, would like to extend my most heartfelt apologies to this college dropout for not possessing the intellectual powers that does he. To this lashless, multimillionaire, Super-Bowl-losing fumbler who walked away from his free college education in order to join something parallel to slavery, I say here and now that am unreservedly sorry.

And I am shamed.


I mean that.

You cannot fake tears like these.

victim of the week: santonio holmes

Rewarding achievements in claiming victimization

April 29, 2006 The defending champion Pittsburgh Steelers make Santonio Holmes their first-round draft pick.

May 27, 2006
Holmes is arrested in Miami for disorderly conduct. The Steelers stand by him.

June 18, 2006
Holmes is arrested in Columbus for domestic abuse. After she drops the charges, the Steelers stand by him.

October 23, 2008 Holmes is arrested in Pittsburgh for possession of pot. The Steelers suspend him for one game, a loss.

January 28, 2009 A few days before he wins Super Bowl MVP, Holmes admits that he used to deal drugs.

March 4, 2010 An Orlando woman accuses Holmes of assault.

March, 2010 Holmes fails a secret drug test for the third time, mandating a four game suspension.

March 29, 2010
Holmes tweets to a critical fan "U shud try finding the worst thing that you could drink n kill urself."

March 31, 2010 Impending drug suspendee Holmes tweets "time to wake n bake."

April 11, 2010 The Steelers dump Holmes, trading him to the Jets for a lowly 5th round pick.

This week Asked about the trade, Holmes replies "The main thing that went through my mind was, uh, you know, what...what...what...what caused this to happen, man?"

victim of the week: sarah palin

Rewarding achievements in claiming victimization

I'm pleased to introduce the Stank Victim of the Week award, rewarding achievements claiming victimization.

The concept is simple. Douchebags noticed how some persecuted folks have made gains by publicizing their grievances. Internalizing the lesson not as

"legitimate grievances inspire redress by others"

but as

"victimization = power over others"

said douchebags manufacture one bullshit grievance after another. They are victims. Specifically, they are your victims. You'd better shape up.

• • •

The scent of gunpowder was still in the Arizona air Saturday when I asked Allie "How long will it take Palin and/or Beck to claim victimhood for having their incendiary rhetoric scrutinized?" I say within a week."

"No way it takes that long. Within a day."

Allie wins. Blood libel, baby.

Remember, folks: the real victim in the Tuscon shooting is Sarah Palin.

"What the Fucking Fuck?" awards 

  ed koch

Says the former NYC mayor:

"Of course the vast majority of Muslims, there are 400 million, are not terrorists. But there are hundreds of millions who are."

"What the Fucking Fuck?" awards 

  keith bardwell

(AP) NEW ORLEANS A Louisiana justice of the peace said he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, says it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.

"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. "I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else."

If he did an interracial marriage for one couple, he must do the same for all, he said.

"I try to treat everyone equally," he said.


My EYES! MY FUCKING EYES! (clawing sockets)

Many "thanks" go to distinguished Stank troll John for sending in this chestnut.

That got me thinking. Was this actually worse than the Tom Cruise dance that started this award? So I went back and looked. No. No. Nothing is worse than Tom Cruise.


"What the Fucking Fuck?" awards 

  trenni kusnierek

I used to rail against eye-candy sideline reporters, but I'm afraid I lost that battle. Thank you, Melissa Stark. So I might as well exploit 'em for WTFF awards.

Local Pittsburgh sideline twinkie Trenni Kusnierek, who once said that the Steelers would go from a play-calling ratio of 65% runs to 45% passes to a more balanced 60/45% ratio, turned in another mathematical gem last night. Arguing that Willie Parker gets better as the game goes on, Kusnierek said:

"And the stats back that up. Parker had just 34 yards after the first quarter, but he gained his final 100 yards in the final three quarters."

stank retrospective: my favorite photos

In this page's eight years and change, I've run a lot of random photos just for the sake of having something visually interesting. And then there are the photos I loooove. For no reason, here are some.

This is quite possibly my favorite photo that I've ever taken. This is Dorkass' little sister, Dorkbutt, on New Year's Day, 2000. She had been my millennial date. And yep, that's a snowball impact crater on her forehead.


You just can't beat Percy's belly-button cameltoe. You can try. You will fail.

It's impossible to pick a favorite stupid church sign, but if I had to, I'll go with this one. That weasel.

I took this photo of my boat and Jeep for the benefit of the Darwin Awards, but I ended up living.

This was satisfying in that Lynn and Sue had just walked through this screen six times, claiming it was invisible.

This one speaks for itself.

Two Steelers-related photos make the cut. The first is of a fan. Following Ben Roethlesberger's motorcycle wreck, she was tailgating outside the hospital where he was still in surgery. Coolest. Fan. Ever.

And of course, there was this Flash animation of the Super Bowl pass interference that I still relentlessly hear never occurred.

If you have to ask, you'll never know.


Stank troll Jan of Germany thought of my fat man's crease when his son was born. The result is my favorite troll-submitted photo.

This photo of Pat Robertson taking a massive dump makes the cut because (other than a pic of the Mythbusters twinkie) it remains the number one Google draw to this page. Go figure.

pat robertson praying

Many pictures are favorites because I couldn't believe my luck in finding them on Google Images. When I posted about being the White Guy in a neighborhood, not to mention about being called "Egger," I found this utterly perfect representation.

Same thing with this photo of a single living flower amongst a bunch of wilted ones. Is there a better metaphor possible for being friends with your ex?

When I posted my review of Bride and Prejudice, I talked at length about the clumsy, vehement anti-Americanism spouted by the female lead. And when I googled her, I found this hilariously hypocritical picture.

When I ridiculed Newsweek for topping its "Women in Leadership" cover story with a feature on Danica Patrick, this made for a lovely juxtaposition.

Nothing can compared to the serendipitous pic I ran with the Yoko post, though. I had already written the post, including the line

No, I'm talking about a descent into a sort of madness, where the whispers in his ear become his unquestioned perception of reality. Suddenly, you and your friend have conflicts.
When I later googled Yoko Ono, this utterly perfect picture popped up. It gave me chills. Still does.

supreme.pngFrom esteemed Stank trolls Bob and Marta comes this train wreck from which you cannot avert your gaze.

For the first 1:45, it's merely awkwardly botched jokes.

Then the beat, and the real pain, start.

"What the Fucking Fuck?" awards 

  nouri al-maliki

Says the Iraqi PM on Saddam's fate:

"Our respect for human rights requires us to execute him."

"What the Fucking Fuck?" awards 

  bill cowher

Says coach Cowher on his quarterback's appendectomy:

"It's a unique thing. It could happen to anybody."

"What the Fucking Fuck?" awards 

  peter bergen

Says historian Peter Bergen about al Qaeda:

"Like Tourette's Syndrome, they keep killing Muslim civilians."

"What the Fucking Fuck?" awards 

  john updike

"Only people who were in the Holocaust are entitled to write about it. I don't feel that's the case with 9/11. I think most of the people who were there can't really speak now."

supreme.pngNow that the SMW award exists, I gotta retroactively hand one out to this especially excruciating moment.

• • •

Originally published May 17, 2006

• • •

Another cringe-inducing moment, and this time it was actually planned.

supreme.pngWatching "Actor's Studio" host James Lipton try to casually slip dated black vernacular ("I'm a honky") into a conversation with Dave Chapelle is cringe-inducing, in that familiar oh-please-Dad-just-please-shut-up way. And the honky moment might have won the award, were it not for a moment 30 minutes later. Commenting on Chapelle's dead-on impression of a stuffy white anchorman, a genuinely perplexed Lipton asks the following: since Chapelle's so good at speaking white, why doesn't he "just speak that way all the time?"

II supreme moment in whiteness award: me

supreme.pngLet it never be said that I'm any easier on myself than on others.

I don't know if it's a midwestern thing or a white thing or just a John thing, but I'm one of those people who tag those irritatingly folksy terms of endearment to the ends of sentences.

"Hey, man."

"Whoa, dude."

"Think, boy."

"Back of the line, pal."

"Love you, hun."

"Thanks, buddy."

"Listen, sweetheart." (Former officemate Leslie: "How come when you coo "sweetheart," I hear you snarl "bitch?")

It's reflexive. I don't give any thought whatsoever to it. Which leads us to the other night at a nearby Indian casino, when I mindlessly thanked my Native American neighbor for the steak he'd just sliced me with "Thanks, Chief."

Jesus H.

Say, would you be a pal and hand me that rusty potato peeler?

He glared, then sighed, and I had one of those awkward moments of self-awareness. I hate self-awareness.

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