August 2013 Archives

the return of craig

Having already sold my boat, this week I listed the beater 1988 pickup I used exactly once a year, to tow the boat. This, unfortunately, meant wading back into the waters of Craigslist.

I really, truly hate these people.

I could list a $1500 gold bar for $10, and I'd get dozens of questions about how I arrived at that price. I'd get a pile of questions about the bar's chemical composition and ancient origins. (Them: Do you think it's South African? Me: I think it's 10 bucks, is what I think.) I'd get 82 emails in all caps proclaiming "I HAVE FIVE BUCKS CASH RIGHT NOW! I REALLY WANT IT! WILL YOU WERK WITH ME?" And there would be at least two offers of trading it for a used bar of soap.

I sold my truck to a man whose response annoyed me the least. The man who annoyed me most sent his lowball offer several times. The last:

"REALLY!!! I can come out and pay cash tonight or tomorrow!!!! I have $500.00 right now!!! Im not a craigslist flake!!!! Im desperate!!!"
The purchaser was the only person who did not tell me to call him (my preference for email was explicit). It was a no-brainer, really.

He came. He saw. He bought within 10 minutes. And then he stayed for an excruciating hour, maybe three, telling me stories about his job, his relative who just died lonely because he selfishly had no kids, and of course, his kids. I would have given him more than the value of the truck just to shut up and leave. Maybe that's a negotiating tactic.

a rose by any other name

I've been waiting out Susan's marriage for years.

Importantly, we've never met. I've only heard a mutual friend talk about her, but damn if she doesn't sound fantastic. Brilliant, competent, successful, kind, funny, brown ponytail, no kids, no desire to have kids, barely age-appropriate—she's all kinds of interesting to me. But she's been married to an ass, and while I've feigned interest in hearing those stories third-hand, I've been wondering if Susan would ever hit the market.

She just caught him cheating. He's been cheating for years—denying the affair when asked, declining multiple offers of amicable divorce, refusing to get therapy, blaming Susan for their problems, and oh yes, spending Susan's money to visit the other woman. My first thought was how hurt Susan must be. In an unprecedented display of growth, it took me a full 10 minutes to think of myself.

"...and so then, this asshole goes and...what's his name, anyway?"

"John."

"I am so screwed."

"Yep."

great moments in guyness*

*Celebrated here because frankly, there ain't many

Allie is borrowing her mom's RV this weekend. Hearing rustling inside the engine, she declared that she was going nowhere whatsoever with mice in the RV. Further, she banned all reasonable solutions, like roasting them alive or shoving poison down the air vents and letting the corpses decompose down there. No, Allie's more inclined to sprinkle mint juice, maybe a little echinacea on the nest. It's a miracle cure certified by Internetards.

So what's an enterprising baby daddy to do? Barry removed the dashboard and revealed, deep in the bowls of the vents, not mice but rats. He thought about it. He thought and he thought. And do you know, that old Barry was so dumb and so slick, that he thought like a guy and he thought like that quick. He got an idea. An awful idea. The guy got a wonderful, awful idea.

"I know!"

And thus did he end up with a Shop-Vac full of rats.

buy MSFT

Microsoft CEO Steve "what crunking girl scouts really want is Excel on an iPad!" Ballmer is finally stepping down in 12 months. Unless he appoints a family member to succeed him, watch the stock go up.

UPDATE THREE HOURS LATER:
I'm clearly not the only person who thinks Ballmer is a 'tard. The stock is up 7% on the news of him leaving. Put another way, that moron made himself $785,880,000 today by simply being famously incompetent.

great moments in intellectual decomposition

I was in a work call today, and at the end of the meeting, liking our decision very much, I found myself asking "Whose idea was this, anyway?"

They informed me had been my idea, about an hour earlier.

I'm accustomed to not remembering yesterday. But an hour ago?

this is some even colder shit

One of my great fears when I started employing Darcy was that my former star student would become addicted to the money, throw away all her promise, and morph into yet another soulless, joyless fuck who works in tech. In other words, I was worried she would become me. And now it's happening. She's buying a house with (for, really) the minimum-wage-earning cheater high-school-graduate boyfriend who's somehow staged a coup d'etat on her higher brain functions and convinced her that she's damned lucky to be his second choice.

But I digress.

At 27, this person with unlimited promise is trapping herself in a crappy career and an even crappier relationship, and it makes me nauseous to think about my own complicity in the carnage I see ahead. I'm disgusted with her and with myself.

Upon hearing that Darcy is following in my footsteps, Allie observed, "Becoming you isn't the worst thing in the world, but first can she fucking try not?"

Ow.

this is some cold shit

Quoting random twitter users is just about the laziest reporting I can fathom. Let's end this blight on what's left of journalism.

"Looking at the news pages this evening ... I think Princess Diana must have just died (again)," Twitter user g_m_young posted.
Stop the presses! How would I ever have unearthed such insights without the help of journalists?

god is grating

Every conversation with a fundamentalist overwhelms me with gratitude that I escaped that particular degenerative brain disease. To them, of course, anything and everything that happens in life empirically proves God's existence, and they can't wait to show you the data. If they get cancer, it's God testing them. If they beat it, God is great. If they have two weeks to live, God works in mysterious ways we mortals cannot possibly understand. They are capable of extracting validation from a complete void.

Me, I fervently believe that the only appropriate response to developing cancer is Fuck. Perhaps Fuck me. That would be the Greek Orthodox variant of my religion.

settlings

I was trying to type "settings" last night, and "settlings" came out of my fingertips instead. What a fantastic new word.

I'd like to have a crackerjack staff some day instead of all these settlings with fetal alcohol syndrome.

Sure, some days I like the idea of being married, but then I look at my friends and their settlings...and the feeling goes away.

How have I lived without this word?

Every time I see a commercial for Windows tablets, I'm reminded of the insularity and tone-deafness that convinced me that leaving Microsoft was necessary. These people get in meetings and actually convince themselves that people want to run Windows and Office on their tablets, that this is a primary selling point.

Racing out to buy one, ain'tcha? Can't wait to deal with malware and an insane volume of updates on the tablet on your nightstand, can you?

Listen to Macklemore's forlorn lamenting of gay stereotypes, "One Love." There's likely little there you disagree with.

Now listen to his "American." Every condescending, hateful stereotype of conservatives is in there twice. Very constructive.

Little surprise he's from Seattle. I'm surrounded by these masturbating hypocrites.

gaga.PNG

#fucking #annoying

Dear Discovery Channel:

As always, thank you for Shark Week. It's Poindexter's and my Christmas.

But we have a problem a-brewing that could make us shark atheists. That problem, in a word, is you. Each year, you ratchet up the vapidity a little more. A documentary about how the extinct Megaladon probably maybe really could still exist? Complete with ginned-up drama when a guy goes in the water with this 50 foot bullshit shark that would so easily be spotted from the air? Really?

But I'm not writing you about that. I'm writing you to complain about @Taylor6969. There's a reason I don't hear this uninteresting preliterate's imbecilic thoughts. That reason is that he's an uninteresting, preliterate imbecile. Why are you shoving his vapid tweets on to my screen? Why are you disturbing my hard-won @Taylor6969-free tranquility? Why?!

"I bet dat a dood in a shark costume," he tweets, apropos of nothing.

Click.

Lately I've been irritated by link-baiting. In the world of the Internet, clicks are dollars, and previously reputable news sites have resorted to cloyness.

Happy Days actor dead, says the link to an article about the guy who played Richie's older brother, Chuck.

McCain says what Obama won't, says the link to an article about how McCain, in passing, referred to the Egyptian coup as a coup.

Shark stalks swimmer off Long Island, says a link to an ad-laden article about a scuba diver who glimpsed a shark. That he was looking for.

I despise when people use my time frivolously, and this nonsense is a form of that. If an article shouldn't be read, the link should be candid, like ESPN's this morning: Tebow prays for Riley Cooper.

Time wasted: zero.

for shame

One day when I was 20, I lied to my boss to get out of going to work. Groundbreaking, I know. What made this incident special:

  1. I didn't simply say I was sick, like an intelligent person would. I said my apartment flooded, and
  2. My psychotic boss called my landlord to verify this, so my landlord showed up to see the flood.
Busted. Caught.

"Why face the music?" I decided. The boss was clearly gunning for me, so there was probably nothing left to be salvaged. Moreover, I was caught in an embarrassing lie. I never wanted to face any of those people again. And I didn't. I didn't even bother quitting. I just stopped showing up for work.

I've thought about that incident a lot this last week, what with Alex Rodriquez and Anthony Weiner, among others, proudly displaying their faces in public. Were I them, I never could. I'd be suicidally humiliated. I couldn't go grocery shopping, let alone hold press conferences. Do they not possess the shame gene at all? Will the word "disgraced" soon disappear from the language, like "lumming" and "twattle?"

Other people have more money than me! It's not fair! Make them share!

  keith butler

Says the Steelers linebacker coach: "But I've learned that never and always are two words you should remember always never to say."

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