reader mail: the bat

Elephantine Stank troll Marta asks if I still sleep next to a baseball bat in my new home. Yep. The tape unraveled during the last move, but it's otherwise unbloodied. Now, one might ask, how could I swing it with only my left arm? Badly and inaccurately. I'd probably club my own head. Hopefully on my way down I'd fall on my assailant's foot or something.