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July 15, 2008

the bat

When d'Andre and Pam visited a few years ago, I gave them the nickel tour of my house. d ridiculed me unremittingly, as is his wont, and Pam heaped supportive praise upon me, as is hers. Until we got to the master bedroom.

"Jee. Zus. Christ." She was staring at my baseball bat. Apparently her husband sleeps next to one just like it. And thus did their point of contention overflow into my life.

The following dialogue ensued.

We need them for safety,
we explained.

You can afford a gun and a security system, she countered.

We'll take them, too, but we're keeping our baseball bats. Besides, that stuff is antiseptic. I want the satisfaction of hearing skull cracking.

I get why you had them back in the day, but now you both live in neighborhoods that haven't had a violent crime since the 30s. The 1730s.

But that's Edgar Martinez's bat!

It still doesn't belong in this otherwise lovely room. Everything's so tasteful and elegant, and then there's...this...club.

d'Andre and I argued with Pam for a while that the bats are, in fact, absolutely necessary for a good night's sleep. And then we argued with one another about whether "down comforter" or "ghetto tazer" was the better term.

Three years later, both bats remain permanent parts of the respective decors.

posted by john at 10:51 AM  â€¢  permalink