I didn't get flamed for last week's posts (I, II, III) like I expected. Most of my mail was from guys. Really bitter guys. Really bitter guys looking for a hug.
Keep looking.
Distinguished Stank troll Dinah was the only woman to take a stab at writing finesse-ese for men. Italics are me.
When he says: "Ummm, yeah that might be fun..." He means: "I will make sure to be as passive aggressive as possible and ruin whatever it is you think might be "fun".
I'd be lying if I said I hadn't done this. I hadn't thought of it in those terms, of course, but "passively ruin whatever it is you think might be fun" did immediately make me think of certain occasions. I'm not proud.
When he says: "You're embarrassing me." He means: "You're having a good time. I hate it when you're happy."
Whew. After your first one, I'm relieved that your second one isn't me. An alternative explanation that springs to mind is that your happiness makes him feel excluded, which is both more understandable and more pathetic.
When he says: "I don't go in for public displays of affection." He means: "I don't want any random females in the area thinking we're involved, just in case I want to fuck them."
Sadly, this transcends gender. Alternate interpretation: "I don't want anyone thinking we're involved, 'cause, well, I'm ashamed of you. Now. Where are you taking me for Valentine's dinner if I don't get a better offer?" And you had better have bought me jewelry."
When you say: "Hey you look great! Is that a new shirt?" He hears: "God, I hate that shirt."
What I hear: "You wanna stop wearing a black t-shirt every goddamned day? Christ! Is it the same shirt, or so you just own 10 of them?" (Answer: the latter)
When you say: "Let's go out Friday night!" He hears: "Here's your chance to publicly humiliate me!"
Aw, come on now. You know we can't plan this far in advance.
When you say: "Would you like to come over for a home-cooked meal?" He hears: "I want isolate you from everything you hold dear."When you say: "Why do you have only one pillow on your bed?"
He hears: "I plan to move in with you."
Excellent stuff.