There's a good reason I shrugged at Darcy's grand announcement. I'd figured it out a month ago, from things said and unsaid.
She is a protege, not a love interest, but our relationship still has artifacts of male/female fuckedupedness. (By which I mean "entirely female fuckedupedness." I was just trying to feign fairness. But screw fairness. Guys simply don't do this to me.)
Perhaps it's our fault for perpetuating the "obtuse dumb guy" stereotype. For whatever reason, my life has been a succession of women trying to control my perceptions. An awkward evasion here, a lie buttressed with half-truths there, a slathering of omissions, roll liberally in irrelevant anecdote, two dashes of spin, and voila! John perceives the reality that I want him to perceive!
Except that he doesn't. He might not know exactly what's going on, but it's a fair bet that he's noticed he's being managed. It's a special kind of hubris to think that you're so clever, you can finesse someone's perception of reality. That they will unquestioningly buy whatever cockamamie, nonsensical story you peddle. It is, in my experience, a hubris most often exhibited by five year olds and women.
In Darcy's case, I'm disappointed, but ultimately if she can't be straight with me, I'll lose interest in our friendship, and it'll just wither naturally. It's not like she's unusual in doing this. Like with co-workers, friends, neighbors and strangers, I internally note it—really?—but never say anything.
But when it's a love interest doing this, my attention is fully seized. Here's a primer for young men entering into a relationship with this sort of woman.
| What she says | Translated into Finesse-ese |
| Ummm, yeah, that might be fun... | I already have plans with another guy but can't think of a lie on the fly. I'll get back to you. |
| Stan, the dishwasher at work, said... | I am about to fuck Stan.
(Clue: whenever a guy's full name is an explanation of the relationship, you're in trouble. "Craig, who I consider a new friend," "Lance, my neighbor's brother," etc.) |
| (Stan abruptly disappears from her stories) | I fucked Stan this morning. |
| I'll order a gin and tonic | I am so in love with Stan, I'm ordering his drink of choice. |
| Is that what you're wearing? | I am officially comparison-shopping you and Stan. |
| Have you thought about dress-shoes? | Would it kill you to dress more like him? |
| I'm pretty sure Bob cheated on me | I definitely cheated on him |
| Bob definitely cheated on me | After finding out about Stan, Bob broke up with me and was dating someone else within 120 days. |
| Bob frightened me | When he discovered me boning my co-worker, Bob yelled at me |
| Bob was emotionally abusive | When he discovered me boning my co-worker, Bob cried |
| Bob neglected me | In terms of sheer volume, he couldn't compete with the collective attentions the other 3.3 billion men in the world shower upon me |
| Bob was controlling | Bob suspected that I wasn't being truthful and asked about it |
| Bob was creepy | He proved that I was lying |
| Stan is a coward | Stan wouldn't leave his wife for me. |
| I wouldn't say that Bob cheated, exactly... | I am having sex with Bob again, and I've got loads of lies to mitigate. |