Football season, lamentably, is also douchebag season.
This year's model claims to be a diehard Steelers fan and talks—and texts!—endlessly about them, never once betraying the slightest familiarity with the team or the sport. I'm not talking about him not knowing what constitutes a low block on interception return. I'm talking about him having never heard of the Steelers' former and current starting quarterbacks.
"Who the hell is Dennis Dixon?" he texted me yesterday. ca-CHING.
It's not the not-knowing that bugs me. It's the decoupling from reality. These folks don't know how they're coming across. I don't walk into a conversation between auto mechanics and venture opinions about engines. Know why? Because I know I'd look like an idiot. This is a healthy fear.
Toward nudging douchebags toward such a handy level of self-awareness, I've devised the following fandom scale. If you hit a score of 100+, you're an authentic fan and may address me as a peer. You sub-100 people, shut up and stop eating my wings. You can have the celery.
Your team hasn't won a championship for over half your life but you never miss a game anyway: +25 points
Your team hasn't had a winning season in ten years, and you can name all 27 starting quarterbacks during that time: +100
You can't name more than 5 active players on your team: -150
Owning season tickets: 0
Using season tickets: +25
You change teams when you change boyfriends and refer to the teams as "we": -10,000
You own pink team apparel: -40
You own tattered, dated team apparel, e.g., an orange Broncos jersey. +50
You record a game, find out that they lost, and watch it anyway: +15
When your team gets screwed by a bad call, you get mad at your team for being in a position where they could get screwed by a call: +10
You throw batteries at opposing players: -20
It's Ray Lewis or Ben Roethlisberger: +20
You throw batteries at your own underperforming players: +30
You bear grudges against players that no one else remembers: +25
You have zero respect for Lakers fans: +10
You instinctively hate the Patriots, Heat and Yankees: +20
You play fantasy anything: -15
You throw a battery at Brenda Warner: +15
You have ever stood with a cell phone to your ear and waved to a friend during a game: -20
You do the above, sarcastically at home: +20
You don't remember that Mike freaking Tomczak was the starting quarterback on "your" team ten years ago: -100
You love your team so much, you occasionally find yourself accidentally listening to Pirates coverage: +infinity