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August 26, 2010

if adolf hitler had lived to hire ben roethlisberger's media handlers

Today we’re going to do a mash-up of two things that annoy the hell out of me:

Because genocide and rape are just that funny.

“Dear God…what were you thinking?” I imagine Allie saying in a couple of hours.

• • •

Reporter: “Adolf, how did it feel to be out there strolling the Champs Elysées today?”

Hitler: “Good, real good. Conquest is what I like to do, it’s who I am, and it feels good to be back out there doing what I love.”

Reporter: “Adolf, you were away for quite a while. What did you miss most?”

Hitler: “My boys. I missed being out here with my boys. I love and support my boys. We’re a band of brothers.”

Reporter: “Wasn’t the Band of Brothers on the Allied si—“

Hitler: “Also my fans. I’ve been really touched by how the fans have responded to me. I see lots of SS jerseys out here today, and I won’t lie to you, that feels good. Especially here in Paris. The warmth of my Parisian fans means a lot to me. I want to settle here, raise my kids here.”

Reporter: “So—“

Hitler: “Did you notice how many freaking autographs I’ve been signing?”

Reporter: “Not to mention how suddenly, you give the local media the time of day.”

Hitler: “Right. This is the New Adolf. All that other stuff is behind me. I turned the page. It’s time for a new chapter. I’m just happy to move on.”

Reporter: “New Adolf, is there anything you’d like to say to the families of the 20 million people you ki—

Hitler: “Just, you know, lesson learned. I’m moving on. I’m the new me, and I hope y’all will give the new me a chance to show how new the me is on this new page, or chapter if you will, ha ha ha, in my life. I’m excited by the opportunity to prove myself.

Reporter: “So in Warsaw today—“

Hitler: “TURNED. THE. PAGE. Notice the past participle. I’m told that means ‘what happened three months ago is such, such old news.’”

Reporter: “You’ve spoken about being caught up in the ‘Big Adolf’ persona. Can you explain how that happens?“

Hitler: “Sure. When all the media and fans are telling you how great you are all the time, you start to believe it, maybe you start to act like it a little bit. So even though I’ve turned the page, I want you to know that really, the preceding pages were more your fault than mine. If you stop and really think about it, it was like it was you pouring drinks down that co-ed’s throat and following her into the bathr—er, invading Poland. But hey, I’m not here to point fingers. Because—“

Reporter: “You’ve turned the page?”

Hitler: “For annoying media turds, you catch on fast.”

• • •

Allie, upon reading this: “You forgot the end of my sentence. ‘Dear God, what were you thinking when you created John?’"

posted by john at 9:26 AM  â€¢  permalink