June 2005 Archives

church signs

Credit for the new one goes to one Mr. Nick Potter, lurker.

I didn't have my camera for this one, unfortunately, but two weeks ago, at a Christian church somewhere between Anacortes and I-5, I saw the following on a sign:

GOD BLESS AMERICA JOHN 3:16

stupid percy tricks

Just observed: Percy spraying deadly poisonous Round-Up within six inches of the nose of his kid's curious pup.

Which reminds me of a photo I've been meaning to post for a while:

senior center.JPG

family fun

And so, on a day when someone else reported seeing four types of whales, my family made me go to the Space Needle and Pike Place Market. I got goosebumps. Really.

They're gone now. Where's that key again?

•  •  •

Linda, 11 years my senior, had two stories I'd never heard. Apparently my personality was set in stone at a very young age.

  • Scene: my saintly Polish-Catholic immigrant grandmother was over for a visit. I was around 18 months, still in my high chair, and she had never heard me speak. Event: I dropped my mashed potatoes, which hit the ground with a splat. "Oh, God DAMN it!!" I yelled. My blasphemy exploded into quite the scandal.
  • Scene: two years later, in the funeral processional for my Aunt Helen, I was in the backseat. Event: I turned around and gave the finger to some grieving cousins. Again, much mayhem ensued.

things I like about seattle

When I recently said something positive about the Seattle area, a local homer expressed shock that such heresy would escape my lips. So perhaps I've been a bit unbalanced in my discussions of this here town. In the interests of fairness, here are a few things I adore about Seattle:

  • It stays in Seattle, more or less.
  • The U.S. Mail service in Seattle is as good as it is anywhere.
  • I-90 East
  • It's not Seattle's suburbs.
  • Departing flights are seldom delayed because of snow.
  • It introduced me to the cherished phrase "latte-sucking motherfuckers."
  • Winter eventually ends after nine months
  • Its excellent bus system helps keep oblivious Seattle drivers off the roads.
  • It's within easy driving distance of Portland, Spokane and Vancouver.
  • It's not within driving distance for my relatives in Ohio.

I jest, of course. Here's the real list:

  • Sue Bird

where's that key?

  • Friends
  • Love interests
  • Bar skanks
  • Co-workers
  • Co-worker skanks
  • Ed's dog-sitter, who I found over the Internet
  • Various maids, none of whom I've met
  • Electricians and plumbers
  • Jen, whom I've never met
  • Carl, the cabinet guy sent by Lowe's
  • Nameless Russian immigrant floor installers

These are all people who've had unfettered access to my house. Yet with family coming tomorrow night, I find myself locking cabinets for the first time. Hmmmmm.

okay, i'll ask it

Who gave these kids a key to a trunk that won't stay open and has no escape latch?

sic 'em

The great Leonard Pitts—that's his full name on this page, the great Leonard Pitts—is my favorite syndicated columnist. He's not the most polished, nor the most pointed, nor the funniest. What he is, irritatingly, is unfailingly right about every single issue, even the ones about which we disagree. Several times I have written a post only to be humbled by him on the same subject a few days later. Today is such a day.


I highly recommend registering for his columns; it's free and quick and utterly painless.

spurs win!

I'd like to extend my heartfelt congratulations to San Antonio Spurs fans. I'd like to, but I don't know any.

yoi indeed

cope_sm.jpgMaking fun of him was half the fun.

After 35 years in the booth, Steelers' broadcaster Myron Cope is hanging up his mike. I could talk about how unique he is, how utterly irreplacable, how wrong football season will feel forevermore....but that just depresses me. So for my tribute, I'll simply post his call-in show's theme song, which never failed to make me laugh out loud.

Pro Football Hall of Fame, if you can induct a double murderer and— God help us all—a Denver Bronco, you can induct a broadcaster.

and thus was john's contract not renewed

Me: What the hell are you doing in this one picture? Yawning?
Carla: I was DANCing, thank you very much.

your favorite posts

I need to decide which posts merit conversion into the new format, so I figured I'd do a "greatest hits" list. Let me know your favorites, please.

lost art

Back in the 80s, ogling girls in music videos was an art form. Armed only with primitive VCRs to capture the most fleeting shots of the poses that we found interesting—say, the final Wonderbra shot of Gloria Estefan's "Words Get in the Way"—a young perv had to hone his skills. And then along came Janet Jackson's "Love Will Never Do." Janet singlehandedly ushered in the "Look at the surgery my daddy bought me!" artistic era. Suddenly, you needed freeze-frame to avoid seeing T&A.

jessbikini15uh.jpgSo last night I heard the familiar horn of the General Lee, another staple from my wasted youth. "Ah yes," I thought. "They're making the Dukes of Hazzard into a movie. I wonder if they were stupid enough to leave the confederate flag on the roof of that car?" (They were.) And so I turned around to see a bikini-and-heels-clad Jessica Simpson grinding her butt while sponge-bathing the car. I waited for the "Cool Hand Luke" moment, but apparently MTV still has one standard. Still, it was an astounding display of commercialized sex, astounding in its brazen nonsensical-ness. Videos don't even try for themes, moods or stories anymore. "Look, here they are!" the video screams. "But this time they're sudsy!"

Sheryl Crow once said that she felt sorry for the Britney generation. "Where do you go after you've been 19 and you've stuck your crotch on a camera lens in front of 20,000 people?" Crow said this before her Stuff Magazine spread, presumably.

site refit

Due to the requests of unfathomably fucking lazy people, I have wasted an entire sunny Saturday afternoon rebuilding my site to support XML and RSS. Of course, "rebuilding" is relative, 'cause like with all great technical innovations, now I can do less than I could before, and it takes 100x as long.

But I'm not bitter.

Anyway, this isn't polished, but this represents an entirely new architecture. If you have a problem, lemme know.

hypocritical oaf

March 18 - Bill Frist addresses the Senate, "speaking more as a physician than as a US senator. There is insufficient information to conclude that Terri Schiavo is in a persistent vegetative state. I question it based on a review of the video footage which I spent an hour or so looking at last night in my office. She certainly seems to respond to visual stimuli."

June 15 - The autopsy goes public.

"(AP) An autopsy on Terri Schiavo backed her husband's contention that she was in a persistent vegetative state, finding that she had massive and irreversible brain damage and was blind, the medical examiner said Wednesday. He also said that her brain was about half of its expected size."

June 16 - A humbled Frist is contrite. "I never, never, on the floor of the Senate, made a diagnosis, nor would I ever do that," he tells the Today show. "I never said she responded." Showing as firm a grasp of the word "never" as he does of his Hippocratic Oath, he adds: "Would I do it over again? Yes, I would do it over again."

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