September 24, 2012
reader mail: superfan
From distinguished Stank troll Giancarlo comes news of one particularly repelling Steelers fan. Child, if your post-tantrum trump card is "At least I'm hot," you had better be much hotter.
September 17, 2012
parental guilt
Because of an all-day meeting, the dogs are in the kennel for the night. My house is deathly quiet.
This.
Is.
Pure.
Awesome.
I'm going to pretend I died and just leave them there.
September 16, 2012
obama sound board
This has existed for three years and I've only now heard about it? I have no friends.
Prior to being elected, Obama narrated for his autobiography's audiobook recording. This book had colorful words in it. Here they are for your ringtone convenience.
September 14, 2012
tolerance is bilateral
I'd like to be able to watch the mobs' assault on our embassies and their murder of innocents and take a reflective higher ground. I'd like to discuss the chasmous cultural and religious differences, appeal to build a bridge, and so on.
I'd like to, but I just can't. I'm fresh out of empathy. These people are morons. Illiterate, gullible, desperately hateful worshippers of a god who's apparently incapable of exacting his own retribution. They are primitives.
Thoughts of reasoning with Islamic fundamentalists led me
to thoughts of this old and quite probably racist Bug Bunny
cartoon.
September 13, 2012
pulling at threads
The Microsoft company meeting is being conducted today, which explains why old boss Flo is hanging out at my house. She's upstairs sleeping in the guest room as I type this.
"Instead of our metaphorically trying not to disturb her sleep," I whispered to Amy during a meeting this morning, "Now it's literal."
My house looks like a a hurricane blew through a gypsy trailer park. I was just picking up when I noticed a green object shoved between my couch cushions. I tugged. A nasty bra popped out.
"So, did you always know you were gay?" they'll ask me.
"No, mine was event-driven."
poking at asstards
After careful consideration, I've decided that I would pay up to $4800 for this slide to appear behind that bloviating, company-wrecking assbag Steve Ballmer during the Microsoft company meeting.
September 10, 2012
i almost got away with it
This TV show is quickly becoming my guiltiest of pleasures. In it, we see some criminal flee the law and go into hiding. Sometimes they're morons. Often they're incredibly clever, leaving fake trails for the police to follow while they move to rural Mexico and learn Spanish. Of course, they are all eventually caught, or we wouldn't have a show. After 30 or so episodes, some patterns are emerging. If you want to get away with it:
- Avoid women. Just don't date. And if you do date, don't marry her. And if you do marry her, for the love of god, don't tell her who you really are.
- That is all.
rss
It's coming. Thanks for your patience.
September 6, 2012
yeah. what?
"It's when you know people a long time that they really start
disappointing you."
—John's friend of 19 years.
September 4, 2012
bio nondiversity
The older I get, the harder it is for me to distinguish religious nuts from anyone else.
Take Betty Biblebanger. She has constructed her entire life around comforting fictions, prefabricated for her convenience. She is special; you are not. Betty surrounds herself with a support system that validates these comforts. She is so hostile to evidence that she might be full of shit, she banishes that evidence from her life and the lives of her children, then calls it a virtue. If you corner her with the evidence, she will, at best, say that you "just don't get it." At worst, she'll claim victimhood at your hands.
Now let's try a thought experiment. Let's throw Betty's seeming opposite, a Seattle liberal named Lefty McPrius, into the same paragraph.
Not hard to come up with parallel examples, is it?
Check.
Now let's try it with a dopey middle manager at work. Useless McSlidedeck, come on down!
Check.
Try it with a cop. With a gang-banger. With a doctoral candidate.
At this point, it might be more efficient to ask if anyone doesn't build their life around self-aggrandizing nonsense.
August 31, 2012
email apartheid
"And what 's your email address?" asked the home security huckster.
Oh, you won't be needing that.
"Oh, you don't need that."
"Yes I do. I can't complete the form without it."
"Okay," I said, scouring the remotest recesses of my brain for my 90s Hotmail address.
Hotmail: that's when you know I think you're scum.
August 30, 2012
still waters
An astounding 20 years ago right now, I was temporarily living in Bloomington, Indiana, preparing to move to Washington. It was a spartan existence with two entertainment choices: a single TV channel and a YMCA. And through both venues, I heard about nothing but Larry Bird retiring. Bloomington is just up the road from his home in tiny French Lick, and the coverage of their son's return was live and unremitting. Bird is not a warm, accessible guy. I was struck by the outpouring of almost familial affections toward someone I'd always thought chilly and aloof. Maybe I had missed something.
Like many people, I first heard of Bird through this famous cover.
The cheerleader on the right went on to marry an obscure Indiana State football player, who went on to become a halfway-decent lineman on some truly terrible 80s Steelers teams. That is how I know this story.
She recently succumbed to cancer at 55. Mourners report that beside her casket was a towering bouquet, sent by one Larry Joe Bird, with whom she had no association besides a brief photo shoot 34 years earlier. People who saw it gasped.
Chilly, aloof, and a class act.
August 28, 2012
isaac
So when God sends a hurricane at the Republican Convention, are they being punished for not hating gays enough?
August 27, 2012
i am the 93%
My god, do I hate Macs.
They're fine in and of themselves, I suppose, but the minute they must interact with the other 93% of the world, they are desiccated yak dung. But their refusal to work with the majority is merely annoying. What vaults me into hate is the expectation that we 93% will bend over backwards to accommodate the 7%.
How is your Mac's inability to do x in any way my problem?
I'm going to get a beautiful but retarded Golden Doodle. I will take this dog into the homes of the 7%. And when the dog shits all over their rugs and furniture, I'm going to say, "Oh yeah. My designer dog is retarded. Be a dear and clean that up for me, would you? Thanks!"
August 23, 2012
charitable streak
Fresh off the heels of my weather station charitable triumph, I was listening to a Steelers podcast and heard another appeal for money. This is a podcast I listen to several times a week, and I felt obliged to kick in $100.
Three weeks later, the host got a job with ESPN.
This leaves me wondering: if I donate to, say, African famine relief, will there immediately be a 1000-year-best crop of Ethiopian wheat?
August 22, 2012
mothers' user manual
Sorry about the gap in posts. We're shipping our product at work. By the time I think to post, it's bedtime.
• • •
A local man was just arrested by the FBI for making threats on the President's life. In addition to brandishing a shotgun at the officers, he verbally threatened them with bombs.
The man's mother was quick to assume the typical portion of parental responsibility.
"He has a good education, he's a good boy!" she told the media.
Note to mothers: bizarre LinkedIn pages like this might be an early indication that all is not right with your successful little angel blossom.
August 17, 2012
oh
One of my neighbors hosts a weather station web site. I use it all the time. He recently posted a request for money to upgrade his equipment, and I felt compelled to kick in a couple hundred bucks. It was only afterward that I thought to look at his house on Google Maps.
Moral: do that beforehand.
Yes, I just wrote a check for $300 to finance the hobby of a guy who owns a spacious waterfront compound, complete with circular driveway (with water feature!), swimming pool, and tennis court. Very satisfying.
August 16, 2012
cue the odd couple theme
I've always been charmed by the friendship between Steelers corner Ike Taylor and Steelers owner/Ambassador to Ireland Dan Rooney. But never more so than now.
August 15, 2012
expecting different results
Jennifer Aniston is getting married again. Can you guess which part of the quote I made up?
"Having experienced everything you don't want in a partner over time, it starts to narrow down to what you actually do want. As I get older, I realize what qualities are important in love and what suits me. And what I won't settle for. Which is anyone who's not an actor or a frontman for a band."
August 13, 2012
i know the look on this guy's face
I call it the "I just flew thousands of miles and spent a fortune on seats, just to look at this douchepacker's back?" face.
I guarantee this: if that guy politely asked for them to stop standing, they would incredulously rant about how far they flew and how much they spent on the seats.
August 10, 2012
manhood 101
I was dropping off a package at the UPS store when I spotted a boy, perhaps 5, standing on the sidewalk and staring into space. He wore the look of unbearable suffering. This child clearly wished he had never been born. Twenty feet away, in front of the consignment store, a woman my age was flipping through a rack of clothes.
Oh.
"Your mom shopping for jeans?" I asked.
He directed his forlorn gaze at me. He nodded. "It's brutal."
"I know. But when you get older, you can refuse to go."
He sighed as though he couldn't imagine living that long.
"Don't go along for swimsuit- or bra-shopping, either," I said, climbing into my car. "Even with a girlfriend, it's not remotely as fun as it sounds."
He'll thank me later.
August 8, 2012
ching chang for the rest of us
Super busy at work. No time subjects, verbs. Here funny video from Italy.
These are Italians speaking gibberish that sounds like American English to their ears.
What American English sounds like to non-English speakers
August 4, 2012
good thinkin'
I've never photographed a humpback whale, what with them being rare in these waters. A couple have been hanging around some 40 miles from my house, so I resolved to photograph them this weekend. Until the moment came to actually leave.
"It's too hot....and it's Seafair weekend so I'll be overwhelmed with stupid boaters...and I'll get boarded by the Coast Guard...plus my data is cold so there won't even be any whales...whine whine whine..." and so forth.
This happened exactly where I would have been exactly when I would have been there. What was I doing? Watching TV.
August 2, 2012
marketing nuts
My employer recently saw fit to make me hire a marketer. This is approximately like making Prometheus adopt the eagle who pecked out his liver every day. Like making Bart Scott rub Hines Ward's feet. Or, if I'm trying to irritate Allie, like making Jesus hire Pontius Pilate.
I hate marketers. The feeling is mutual. My entire career is a tableau of me strangling talentless, sleazy marketers. Sometimes figuratively.
But I had my orders, so off I went to interview talentless sleazes who command $150-200 an hour to repeat back to you what you just told them, as though it were their own thought. I loathed them all. I eventually chose one in California, the thought being well, at least I won't have to meet her.
She has one particularly irritating trait. She's one of those people who block caller ID yet insist on calling you in response to your email. I say "those people" as if this were an established group of assholes. Correction: it's just her.
• • •
Last week I was mooring my boat in a wicked cross-current. As soon as I killed the engines and raced outside, the boat flipped to face the current. I looked for my hook-pole. It was stolen. Helpless, I watched as my boat's engines ground into the neighboring boat. I grabbed the only tool available, a tiny oar, and paddled furiously. Sweating by the bucket, I slowly pivoted the boat. Stretching, I got a precious fingernail-hold on the slip. Bam. That's when the marketer called to tell me what I'd told her the previous day.
That's a gift.
August 1, 2012
gun nuts
The police tape in Aurora hadn't yet cured before I'd seen this argument: if more people in that theatre had been carrying concealed weapons, as Colorado law permits, then perhaps this tragedy wouldn't have happened.
What a lovely mental image that shootout is, no? I have to admit to a bit of a thrill from the thought of society's dregs shooting at one another. It's only when I'm between them that the fantasy unravels.
Let's skip all the obvious arguments and cut to the chase: has this "arm everyone and good things will happen" strategy ever once, in all of human history, worked out?
July 31, 2012
protégé
Annalie, age 7, has recently felt put upon by the world.
She finds other people annoying. She doesn't understand why it's her responsibility to get along with annoying people. "Why is this my job?" she asks her mother incredulously. "I just want to be left alone." Further, she thinks it's patently unfair that she's the one who's thought rude when they're the ones who are annoying.
"I've seen how this ends," her mother cautions. "You buy a house in Metamuville and you relate to other human beings only through a computer."
July 26, 2012
he is risen
Did anyone out there over the age of 25 actually enjoy the Dark Knight Rises? I mean didn't-check-your-watch, sitting on the edge of your seat, cared about the outcome, wow I didn't know three hours could pass so fast enjoyed it?
Bored, my mind wandered to wondering if the Dark Knight had really been as good as I remembered.
wasted calories
Community creator Dan Harmon on a commentary track, about objectifying actress Allison Brie:
The first season, I was really protective of Allison. I was like, "Hey man. That's my DAUGHTER!" Then her 7 pictorials came out, and now I'm like, "Eh. That's my house payment."
July 25, 2012
best mug shot ever
This is the guy who got all uppity at a Batman screening in Arizona. He's got 100 more Facebook friends than me.
July 24, 2012
all right, nuts to this
While I wait for the guts of my site to be restored, I shall edit in raw HTML like it's 1997. You think I'm kidding?
catching up
Much has happened during my absence.
A whole lot of people died in Aurora, chief among them the Pretty Young White Woman the media always seems to mourn most. It's nothing nefarious, though. It's just extra tragic when they die.
And then a whole lot of people congregated at Joe Paterno's grave to dig him up and burn him at the stake. Metaphorically. So far. I do not defend Paterno. His moment for moral courage came, and he failed utterly. But nor do I pretend I've ever been faced with such a choice, myself. I find the more-outraged-than-thou zeal with which people are spitting upon him to be creepily like self-pleasure. The more public it is, the better it feels. Just when I thought this tale couldn't get any more revolting.
July 14, 2012
bye for now
After an insane Saturday of trying to guess passwords and email addresses from 1997, I believe I'm ready to move checkraise.com from its original ISP to one that has upgraded its servers since 1993. Will the site be down for seconds? Days? I do not know.
posted by john at 07:57 PM • permalink
July 13, 2012
white noise
Longtime colleague Amy, trying to compliment me:
"You're a great fit for a certain kind of boss. A boss who appreciates...(long pause)...lots of criticism."
posted by john at 02:07 PM • permalink
July 12, 2012
reader mail: nate
In answer to the obvious question, he fashioned a noose out of bedsheets. The coroner said his neck didn't break, that he instead slowly asphyxiated. There, aren't you glad you asked?
posted by john at 05:17 PM • permalink
July 11, 2012
sowing
A childhood friend of mine just killed himself in his prison cell.
I'm not going to pretend we were close after age 10. I hadn't thought of him in decades, not since I last saw him in the hallways of high school and Nate pretended not to see me. Such are childhood friendships. Or such is me. Whichever.
Nate's parents banned me from their home. They banned me due to a specific crime: my face got in the way of their dog's incisors. Nate and I were playing one day, and he let the husky out of the back yard, and it leapt on me. To this day, I have puncture scars on my left check and temple.
My parents didn't sue, nor threaten to, nor even make a stink, which tells you how long ago this was. But they were informed nonetheless that I was no longer welcome at Nate's house, for I had clearly been mistreating the dog. The evidence was trickling down my neck. The dog went on to attack Nate's little sister and others, but my gold-embossed apology must have gotten lost in the mail.
I didn't know it at the time, but this was my first encounter with destructive, delusional parenting.
In reading about Nate's suicide, I see that he grew up to become the worst possible classification of child molester. I will not comment on the typical histories of child molesters other than to acknowledge that yeah, I'm thinking that, too. What really caught my attention was that Nate, who had seven children by three women, was hailed in an ad placed by his parents as a "loving and devoted father."
I stared at that line for a good, long while.
posted by john at 09:15 AM • permalink
July 09, 2012
preambles to stupidity
Before a rule change, "illegal defense" was a commonplace foul call in NBA games. I know it had something to do with doubling a man who didn't have the ball, but that was just the toe of this mysterious elephant. I didn't get it. I would never get it. When I taught college technical writing, I went so far as to offer extra credit to anyone who could write me a definition that I completely understood. Many tried. All failed.
And thus did "Whoop, that's gonna be illegal defense." become my first preamble to stupidity. Whenever I heard that phrase, I knew was going to understand nothing that followed. That phrase became a reliable predictor of my own stupidity.
The modern day equivalent is "Quantum theory tells us..." There's not a bloody chance of me understanding what comes next. Quantum physics is to me now what algebra was to me as a kid: I can repeat back what you just said, but please don't ask me to rephrase it.
At work, it's "Marketing has a request."
At home, it's a contractor saying "Hey John, lemme show you something..."
In love, it's "You know what your problem is?"
And then there's my accountant, the hall of famer. He doesn't even get a catchphrase. I don't understand anything the man says after he inhales.
posted by john at 06:43 AM • permalink
July 05, 2012
wanted: one very tall glass of milk
When I saw the towering rainbow Oreo that the cookie company put on its Facebook page last week, I had only one thought: I want you in my belly.
Unfortunately I read on.
That Jeni Friedersdorfs exist is not, of course, news. Wherever their fragile views are invalidated by cookies, there the Jeni Friedersdorfs will be, claiming victimhood. Oreo supporting gay pride week was just too much. Jeni will dunk no more.
“Bye Bye OREO!,” wrote user Jeni Friedersdorf. “Why can’t companies stay neutral on such things?"Probably for the same reason lower primates have to fling shit on things that don't remotely affect them. They're just morally compelled.
posted by john at 07:17 AM • permalink
July 03, 2012
45 economics
When I was a kid, my neighbor Tom was a bit younger than me. One day he informed me that I was foolish to pay $5.99 for an album. He was acquiring all the same songs on 45s for only 99 cents each and thereby saving $5.10. No amount of people explaining the math to him would dissuade Tom from this belief. I was throwing money away.
In the decades since, every conversation I've had about economics has been some variation of that argument with Tom.
"I'm tired of throwing money away on rent!" says young Darcy of her dire need to buy a starter home with her cheating mooch boyfriend. "I want to build equity."
It is a familiar argument. A familiar, asinine argument. So I broke out Karl's Mortgage Calculator and showed her how, if she lived in the house for the first five years of her 30 year mortgage, she would indeed build $23,000 in equity. At the cost of paying $38,000 in interest.
"So you've lost fifteen grand and you haven't had a single repair, furnished a room, or paid closing costs or property taxes yet," I said.
She was bewildered. Everyone knows that home-owning is the smarter investment. Anything else is just throwing money away, and that would just be stupid.
posted by john at 11:37 AM • permalink
July 02, 2012
flight distendants
I read another article about how air rage incidents among travelers are up, way up. It's all anecdotal nonsense, seemingly. What strikes me is that flight attendants are the people driving this claim.
Because in my experience, it's the flight attendants who've gotten ruder post-9/11. Really rude. The kind of rude that comes with having all the power. DMV rude.
Perhaps I'm just oversensitive because I know I can't defend myself from mistreatment, lest I get kicked off my flight. So I put it to you guys. Am I imagining this, or are our once-courteous flight attendants now outright abusive and blaming us?
posted by john at 08:31 AM • permalink
July 01, 2012
resistable link of the week
Child birth like you've NEVER seen it
posted by john at 08:40 AM • permalink
June 28, 2012
reader mail: college football playoff
Several folks have asked what I think about the new playoff system in college football.
Thhbbppttt.
Is a playoff the surest way to empirically determine the best team? Sure. I'll grant you that. Yay, empiricism! Rah, empiricism! Empiricism is so much more fun than actual fun!
Now here's the cost.
A few years ago, Ohio State and Texas played a home and home. One September, I flew to Columbus and watched Texas win. The next, I flew to Austin and watched Ohio State prevail. I was vibrating with excitement in the months before. This matchup and its stakes were enormous. Whoever lost would likely be out of the national championship picture—at the beginning of their season!—and whoever won was an immediate favorite. Indeed, both winners went on to play in the championship game. Just as important, there was an epic atmosphere in September in two great college towns, and I thoroughly soaked up the revelry and gravity. It was special. Those were some of the best trips of my life. I didn't mind spending thousands, taking time off work, kenneling the dog, getting on a plane, renting a car, gagging on perfumey motels. I was eager to.
Now? Meh. Screw it.
I wouldn't go if you paid my way. It wouldn't be worth the inconvenience. In a season that ends with playoffs, those September games are piffle. They're weightless exhibitions. They mean little more than regular season games do in college basketball. Why bother? Why care?
I don't.
So congratulations to the media for getting their way and transforming my once-favorite sport into a duplicate of the NFL. Only, you know, with lesser quality players. It's god's work they're doing. We badly needed a Lesser NFL where once fun happened.
posted by john at 07:09 AM • permalink
June 27, 2012
reader mail: microsoft surface
Nose: firmly against grindstone. Time to open up the Stank mailbag.
Poking me with a stick and running away, longtime Stank troll Marta asks me what I think of Microsoft's impending Surface tablet. I don't have many thoughts, beyond "I can't wait to read about how totally new and awesome tablets are on my Microsoft friends' Facebook streams!"
It's hard for me to imagine a use for the thing, but to be fair, I couldn't imagine a use for the iPad, either, and I'm on my third one. I use it constantly. It is my preferred means of consuming most media. But therein lies the rub: my iPad's primary use is not being a Windows machine. I've got six Windows boxes running in my home, plus two Macs. I hate them all. It seems all I do is scan for malware, update my OS, update Flash, update Flash again, resolve driver and service conflicts, scrub the registry, reboot, rinse, repeat. The iPad has none of that crap. I grab it, I play my game or read my article or watch my movie, and it just works. Thank christ something does. In summary, I need a Windows tablet like I need ninth asshole to wipe.
posted by john at 07:38 AM • permalink
June 26, 2012
peninsular logic
Metamuville is, of course, a haven for the lazy. And when Dirt Glazowski (himself no slouch in the slouch department) moved to Minnesota this year, he left me at the mercy of the Metamuville workforce.
I had to hire a stoner to mow my lawn.
It's going about as well as you would expect. Three weeks ago, I needed a mow. Two weeks ago, I finally called him. He's visited three times, called four times. It's too rainy. It's too sunny. His blade broke. His kid's sick. He's sick of kids. You name it, I've heard it. Meanwhile, deer are nesting in my lawn.
He finally showed up yesterday and mowed about a third of my lawn when there was a knock at my door. His mower's spark plug had broken clean in two. I agreed I'd never seen such a thing. And as he took his leave of me—promising to finish the job...sometime...indeterminate....maybe—he made a request that could only happen in Metamuville:
He asked to be paid for the part he'd mowed.
posted by john at 08:02 AM • permalink
June 25, 2012
it might be time to lay off the pork products
I went to a new barbecue joint that opened nearby. Under deadline at work, I decided to get enough takeout to last me several meals. So I bypassed the meals designated as "for 2-3 people" and "for 4-5 people," and I got the 6-8 people portion of ribs, brisket, pulled pork and chicken.
And the clerk asked "Is this for here?"
posted by john at 07:06 AM • permalink
June 22, 2012
why i'm not overly worried about an ascendent china
Chinese news confuses fleshlight for exotic mushroom:
posted by john at 10:38 AM • permalink
June 20, 2012
the longest day
Anyone with a boat knows that boat maintenance can make time stand still, if not run backwards. I had just such a day last week. A quick meeting with the mechanic at the slip exploded into 14 hours of hellish exhaustion. And it felt much longer.
This got me thinking about the longest days of my life.
#5 Spending my 30th birthday driving to Vancouver and back with Allie, who spoke with great granularity about What My Problem Is the e-n-t-i-r-e time. Including customs.
#4 Boat day. The trailer alone had a defective trailer hitch, faulty lights, a flat tire, and frozen wheels. Imagine the clusterfuck the boat was.
#3 Being tricked into accompanying my ex (who, post-me, slept around quite a bit) to a public STD clinic for her free AIDS test. I spent the entire day there among life's cruddiest dregs, listening to execrable white-people-rap on the closed-circuit TV, wishing I could dump her ass all over again. Did I mention I was on vacation? The lowlight came when I found myself flirting with a pretty girl sitting under the "STD TEST WAITING AREA" sign.
#2 The day my dad died, the Jeep's clutch failed right next to a mechanic. I whipped into his parking lot and promptly fell for the old "it'll just be two hours" schtick. My judgement was doubtless impaired by the most debilitating flu I've ever had. So there I lied on the mechanic's office floor, misery personified, taking call after call from Columbus as siblings tried to guilt me into flying home for the funeral. For 10 hours.
#1 Chauffeuring the boorish Miss Ohio to Toledo and listening to how bad beautiful women have it in America. (Full post)
The STD rap was on infinite repeat, so I have it memorized. Imagine, oh, let's say Alan Alda turning his baseball cap sideways, folding his arms, and rapping.
We are he-reI've always admired the way they rhymed "you" with "you."
To talk to you (yes you!)
'Bout the type of things that can happen to you if you
Doooon't
Be careful (be careful!)
And put a condom on
Be carefulIt could happen to you! (who me?)
It could happen to you! (yes you)
It could happen to you, to you, to you!
It could happen to you!
posted by john at 07:18 AM • permalink
June 19, 2012
strangers in omaha
The good part of owning your own business is employing your friends.
The bad part of owning your own business is that strangers in Omaha cold-call you.
Him: "Hello, is this the owner of Island of Misfit Toys, Inc.?"
Me, already contemplating suicide: "Yes."
"Hello sir my name is [I stopped listening] and I want to [not real sure] mwah mwah mwah mwah blah blah blah help you grow your business!"
Meh. Why on earth would I want to grow my business? The very thought makes me absent-mindedly scratch hives. What, is he going to invent an eighth day of the week so I can work that, too?
"I am so not interested in growing my business," I say.
This always confuses them, and I'm not sure why. I can feel them parsing their reply-matrix for the appropriate response, but none is there. Surely I'm not the only business owner who feels he works hard enough?
"Well, like, your website could do a lot better job of selling your services." No kidding. My public-facing website is a picture of a nut. No links, no content.
"That's because we do not advertise or solicit work."
Parse, parse, parse. Nothing.
"Oh. Um. Okay," said the last guy, giving up without much of a fight. And I went back to work.
Scratch, scratch, scratch.
posted by john at 07:52 AM • permalink
June 18, 2012
WWYK: "god doesn't close a door" chick vs. the field
Who would you kill?
"God doesn't close a door without opening a window" chick. You may think you're already depressed, but there's no despair that can't be exacerbated by some religious twit pouncing on every opportunity to assert that if you'd only validate their beliefs, your frown is a mere half-turn from being a smile!
The field. This would be the utterer of every other feel-good cliche. You have to get through the pain to get past it, one day at a time (although time heals all wounds); because it just wasn't meant to be and better days lie ahead, we must live life on life’s terms because everything happens for a reason.
The Winner: "God never closes a door without opening a window" chick. The Field is merely stupid and lazy. The keeper of God's window, on the other hand, is stupid, lazy, and presumes to speak for God.
posted by john at 07:57 AM • permalink
June 14, 2012
the entire gamut, from y to z
Today I was pitched on volunteering for a local crisis hotline. If you're feeling suicidal or threatened or whatnot, they're the trained (?), empathetic (??) professionals (?!) you call. I wasn't sure why I specifically (other than my volunteering at a dog park) was being pitched on this idea.
The crisis part, I'd be great at. The comforting people part? Not so much. "You can do better than me," I told them. Or god help us all.
"Hone your listening skills," says the flyer. "Contribute to your community. Experience the entire gamut of human emotion."
Listening skills and community, I'll grant you. But the entire gamut of human emotion, I call bullshit on. Unless people call the crisis hotline to say "Dude! I found 20 bucks!", I'm pretty sure the emotional range experienced is a pretty narrow band.
posted by john at 07:08 PM • permalink
June 13, 2012
facebook's long, slow slide into oblivion continues
Anyone remember MSN Spaces? It was Microsoft's mid-Aughts attempt at social media. At one point, an enraged reader wrote me to complain that Microsoft had lent out her personal information and picture to Match.com, which used that information in an "This chick wants to meet you!" ad ultimately seen by her husband. Good stuff.
This isn't quite as bad, but it's pretty bad. On Facebook, I saw that the following had occurred:
- A colleague had posted a link to our product's "Tell us how Ronco Klugeomatic has changed your life" contest.
- Another colleague (and our mutual Facebook friend) had Liked it.
CUT TO: NEXT DAY
INTERIOR—JOHN'S HOME OFFICE
THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON JOHN'S IM WINDOW.
"Hey John, are you aware that your Facebook comment was automatically published to the product's web page?"
No. No I was not.
"No. No I am not. What retard thought that was a good idea?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean....have you ever seen Facebook? You don't port unmoderated comments to your product's web page. What if I said the product sucks ass and I posted a link to a competitor's product? Bam, there it is on klugeomatic.com"
"I don't, er, really see a problem..."
Ah. Clearly, I was dealing with the retard in question. But isn't it gratifying to know that what you think is a private Facebook comment to your friend is so easily republished, with direct attribution to you, without your knowledge, by the highest bidder?
Evil.
posted by john at 07:46 AM • permalink
June 12, 2012
kordell thrills one last time
Dearly departed (meaning we hold his departure quite dear) Steelers quarterback Kordell Stewart showed up last week. He hasn't played for the Steelers for seven years, but he wanted to retire a Steeler, so they signed him to a one-day contract and he hung up his cleats.
"Kordell wasn't already retired?" millions asked, me among them. I would have thought that my last thought on the issue. But it wasn't.
The next day, I was listening to Stan Savran's talk show out of Pittsburgh, and he was discussing Kordell retiring a Steeler. He was surprised the ownership cooperated. "I know for a fact that Mike Tomczak asked to retire a Steeler, and the Rooneys said no."
God bless the Rooneys, and god bless Kordell for allowing that 4-hour grin to happen.
posted by john at 02:04 PM • permalink
June 10, 2012
how to make "you're a sexually aggressive racist homophobic misogynistic cowardly illiterate waste of human skin" downright catchy
Every once in a while, I come across a woman I would marry without actually, you know, meeting her.
Here, take half of everything. You've earned it.
posted by john at 10:22 PM • permalink
June 08, 2012
sequels
The LOST COW signs are not only still around, they have been updated ominously: DO NOT APPROACH. I think we all want to hear the story behind that edit. If not see the footage.
Of the Dorkass Conundrum, Dorkass wrote to see what gift was suggested. "Oh yeah, I have three of those," she said.
posted by john at 08:12 AM • permalink
June 07, 2012
peach
Here I am, unhappily working but happily listening to Prince via Rhapsody. "Peach" is on, and it makes me smile with nostalgia. Mind you, I have no happy memories whatsoever about this song, no happy associations of any kind. What I have: Sarah hated it. Despised it. That I like the song did not dissuade her in the least from shitting all over it at every opportunity. It was, of course, but one of countless such points of derision. But here I am, sans Sarah, enjoying "Peach" without someone ruining it. The confluence of its presence and her absence makes me smile.
I love that feeling. It's the underappreciated upside of breaking up.
For me, the upside reaches its peak almost immediately, even before the tears dry. "Well," I'll sniff, "At least I don't have to deal with fucking [insert name of her undermedicated parent or most loathesome friend] anymore."
"Yeah, but there's also the songs that you both liked that just bum you out," says Darcy. No doubt. But if you're hateful enough, there's substantial sweet with that bitter.
posted by john at 11:50 AM • permalink
June 06, 2012
the dorkass conundrum
Another round of cruel gifts has gone out to my friends' kids. Somewhere in Maine, toy poo is splatting as I type.
Frequent victim Katrina often suggests annoying gifts for others' kids, which is a transparent attempt to shift my focus elsewhere but is appreciated nonetheless. She made just such a suggestion this morning, and as I often do, I thought "Oh! That's perfect for Dorkass's daughter!"
But there's a fatal flaw in buying said child annoying gifts: her parents will enjoy playing with them, too. WTF would the point of that? There's no satisfaction in trying to irritate immature parents with fart bombs; more likely, the child will seldom get a chance to play with them herself.
Perhaps a membership to a Book-of-the-Month club would annoy them.
posted by john at 10:06 AM • permalink
