special report

The Moron Taxonomy

April 2011


This is an ongoing effort to classify the different species of morons.

"Earther" stands for "those who, despite all evidence, clung to the notion of a flat earth." This feature helps us place each moron class in a historical context. Yes, I am fully aware that most educated people during the Age of Discovery did not still hold the ancient belief that the world was flat. Educated is the operative word here.


Class 1 Moron
(Manglus insultus)

teabagger.pngThis web denizen misspells his insults of others' intelligence.

He is characterized by a blissful lack of understanding of why this is utterly hilarious. He responds to gales of mocking laughter by deriding it as coming from "grammer police."

Earther: "Columbus, your a stupid looser."



Class 2 Moron
(Ax infinitus)

ax.pngNo conversation is too irrelevant for this species to inject its agenda into. Just try to stop him. Everyone and everything affirms his agenda. Question him? This affirms his agenda. Disagree with him? Affirms his agenda. Prove beyond all doubt that he's wrong? That really affirms his agenda.

Example argument: At a buffet, we tired of waiting for the server to refill our drinks and decided to do it ourselves. Self-satisfied, one Ax infinitus semi-hominid pronounced "Now see, there's the difference between conservatives and librils* right there. A libril will just sit around and wait to be helped." This man now enters his fifth year of unemployment, working only occasionally, under the table, so that he may collect federal benefits. I'm sure he's protesting Obama's Kenyan Nazi socialist something or other.

*For authenticity, I preserved the Ax infinitus dialect.

Earther: (Sarcastically, when struggling to push a car on a flat road) "Yeah, the Earth is REALLY round, isn't it? What a crock THAT is."


Class 3 Moron
(Jacknicholsus truthhandlus)

truth.pngWhen overwhelmed by the forces of superior intellect, which is often, this guy abandons all pretext of marshaling evidence in support of an argument. He instead attacks the emotional integrity of intellect itself. This requires no evidence but a fair amount of mind-reading.

Example: You there. Yeah, you. You with all the evidence and the elitist books and fancy-pants college degrees and more than five minutes' thought about this topic. You know what your problem is? You can't handle the truth. I'm just being honest, here.

Earther: (When shown photos of the Earth from space) "This is just more of the same tired old rhetoric. I'm glad I'm not afraid of the truth."


Class 4 Moron
(Labelus makem)

Job #1 with this guy isn't to articulate a point. It isn't even to refute yours. Nope. Where others use premises in support of an argument, he lazily applies labels to people in the hopes that people smarter than him will fill in the blanks and construct an argument for him.

Example: Among Microsoft wives, I'm known as an Apple "fanboy." This is because I own an iPad instead of the vastly superior Microsoft tablet that doesn't exist yet. Meanwhile, at work, Apple users call me a "hater" because I pointed out that Macs are causing compatibility problems. This is the elegance of Labelus makin: I am both a fanboy and a hater; I am whatever conveniences them at the time.

Earther: "The circumnavigators are modern day Nazis."


Class 5 Moron
(Pointis absentis)

The even more witless cousin of Class 4, he substitutes trite, meaningless dismissals for substance.


  • "Who cares?"

  • "When are they going to WAKE UP?"

  • "I have to laugh!"

  • "I'm sorry, but...[something stupid and the exact opposite of contrite]"

  • "I'm done with you."

Earther: "Stay classy, Columbus." 



Class 6 Moron
(Highschooldropoutim vociferor)

union.pngBy far the most attractive moron, Class 6 could not pass a sophomore civics test yet tells the public how to vote. They didn't stay in school long enough to take physics—a modeling career beckoned—yet they are quoted experts on climate change and alternative energies. Notably, they were not born impaired. They stopped developing intellectually at puberty, at which point they began confusing being constantly told how smart, well-read and witty they are with actually being smart, well-read and witty.

Example: George Clooney's humble and gracious acceptance speech—"I would say that, you know, we are a little bit out of touch in Hollywood every once in a while, I think, it’s probably a good thing. Um, we’re the ones who talk about AIDS when it was just being whispered. And we talked about civil rights when it wasn’t really popular. And we, uh, you know, we bring up subjects…we are the ones…this Academy, this group of people gave Hattie McDaniel an Oscar in 1939 when blacks were still sitting in the backs of theaters. I’m proud to be a part of this Academy. I’m proud to be part of this community. I’m proud to be out of touch. And I thank you so much.” 


Class 7 Moron
(Evidencia circumvenio)

One phrase defines this class: "you just don't understand."

Example: A gay man and black man are discussing their experiences as minorities. Being good Americans, the gay man claims greater victim status, and the black man disagrees. "Push comes to shove," the black man points out, "You can choose to blend in and disappear. I can't pretend not to be black whenever it conveniences me." An irrefutable difference to which the gay man responds with a mock-pitying sigh: "You're not gay. You just couldn't understand." He considers the point won, in a rout. As did I. By the other guy.

flatearth.pngEarthers: (Greeting Juan Sebastián Elcano at the dock) "I know you think you just circumnavigated the Earth, what with your sailing West yet arriving from the East, but you just don't understand. You couldn't possibly."


Class 8 Moron
(Brandom fandom)

whole-foods.jpgThis person's every last thought is bought and paid for. He emotionally invests in brands as though they were sports teams. He has no identity outside of these brands—be they candidates, products, fads or religions—so he is constantly presenting them as his face.

Examples: Guy X has got his iPhone charging in his Prius (adorned with a "Yes We Can!" bumper sticker) while he drives to the soccer match after his organic sommelier class. If he deigned to go to Wal-Mart, he would see his arch enemy. Gal Y is carrying a placard protesting the war. Her holiday is under attack! Cashiers must wish Jews, atheists, etc. a Merry Christmas. She drives American, swears there's a gargantuan difference between Coke and Pepsi, buys more perishable items at Costco than she can possibly eat (in order to save money), and calls the First Lady "fat" yet thinks anyone who criticizes Sarah Palin is sexist. Question either X or Y, and they will attack you by labeling you the other.

Summary: X = Y


Class 9 Moron
(Itso facto)

douche1.jpgThis class believes that facts fulfill wishes and vice-versa. By simply stating and restating that x is a fact, they truly believe this makes x any more of a fact. Anytime you hear someone declare "It's a FACT," you are very likely dealing with a Class 9 moron. People citing actual facts don't need to label them such any more than I need to explain that Dex is a dog. Whereas Class 9s are quick to brand any fanciful bullshit a fact, they are curiously quick to deride scientific theories as being less than hypotheses supported by such a strong body of evidence, they've become accepted.


  • "It's a FACT that Bush bombed the trade center so he could invade Iraq."

  • "Satan put dinosaur bones in the ground just to test our belief in the Creation story. And evolution? It's just a theory."


Class 10 Moron
(Moronus extremus maximus)

mortimer.jpgThis species thinks that the consensus of morons constitutes evidence. If he agrees with a fellow moron's premise, this species believes, said premise somehow becomes more factual. Two morons can't possibly be wrong, goes their thinking, because together we have a 137 IQ. That's near genius!

Extremus maximus are an infinitive loop of stupidity. They cite and support one another vigorously, thinking this endless and incestuous circle-jerk strengthens reason instead of corrupting it. By the early 21st century, virtually all human discourse had become polluted by their anti-intellectual debris. They are the most primitive life form still capable of wiping its own ass with any degree of precision.


  • "You don't know the FACTS. Do us all a favor and go read (something monosyllabic that validates what he already believes) and educate yourself."

  • Anyone who seeks medical advice from former Playboy bunnies.