January 14, 2010
 | ed koch |
Says the former NYC mayor:
"Of course the vast majority of Muslims, there are 400 million, are not terrorists. But there are hundreds of millions who are."
posted by john at 12:09 PM • permalink
October 16, 2009
| | keith bardwell |
(AP) NEW ORLEANS A Louisiana justice of the peace said he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, says it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.
"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. "I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else."
If he did an interracial marriage for one couple, he must do the same for all, he said.
"I try to treat everyone equally," he said.
posted by john at 08:28 AM • permalink
September 09, 2008
vii and viii supreme moment in whiteness awards: barack obama and ellen degeneres (tie)
My EYES! MY FUCKING EYES! (clawing sockets)
Many "thanks" go to distinguished Stank troll John for sending in this chestnut.
That got me thinking. Was this actually worse than the Tom Cruise dance that started this award? So I went back and looked. No. No. Nothing is worse than Tom Cruise.
posted by john at 07:17 AM • permalink
September 02, 2008
vi supreme moment in whiteness award: kate mcalpine
posted by john at 12:16 AM • permalink
September 23, 2007
| | trenni kusnierek |
I used to rail against eye-candy sideline reporters, but I'm afraid I lost that battle. Thank you, Melissa Stark. So I might as well exploit 'em for WTFF awards.
Local Pittsburgh sideline twinkie Trenni Kusnierek, who once said that the Steelers would go from a play-calling ratio of 65% runs to 45% passes to a more balanced 60/45% ratio, turned in another mathematical gem last night. Arguing that Willie Parker gets better as the game goes on, Kusnierek said:
"And the stats back that up. Parker had just 34 yards after the first quarter, but he gained his final 100 yards in the final three quarters."
posted by john at 07:45 PM • permalink
June 13, 2007
stank retrospective: my favorite photos
In this page's eight years and change, I've run a lot of random photos just for the sake of having something visually interesting. And then there are the photos I loooove. For no reason, here are some.
This is quite possibly my favorite photo that I've ever taken. This is Dorkass' little sister, Dorkbutt, on New Year's Day, 2000. She had been my millennial date. And yep, that's a snowball impact crater on her forehead.
You just can't beat Percy's belly-button cameltoe. You can try. You will fail.
It's impossible to pick a favorite stupid church sign, but if I had to, I'll go with this one. That weasel.
I took this photo of my boat and Jeep for the benefit of the Darwin Awards, but I ended up living.
This was satisfying in that Lynn and Sue had just walked through this screen six times, claiming it was invisible.
This one speaks for itself.
Two Steelers-related photos make the cut. The first is of a fan. Following Ben Roethlesberger's motorcycle wreck, she was tailgating outside the hospital where he was still in surgery. Coolest. Fan. Ever.
And of course, there was this Flash animation of the Super Bowl pass interference that I still relentlessly hear never occurred.
If you have to ask, you'll never know.
Ditto.
Stank troll Jan of Germany thought of my fat man's crease when his son was born. The result is my favorite troll-submitted photo.
This photo of Pat Robertson taking a massive dump makes the cut because (other than a pic of the Mythbusters twinkie) it remains the number one Google draw to this page. Go figure.
Many pictures are favorites because I couldn't believe my luck in finding them on Google Images. When I posted about being the White Guy in a neighborhood, not to mention about being called "Egger," I found this utterly perfect representation.
Same thing with this photo of a single living flower amongst a bunch of wilted ones. Is there a better metaphor possible for being friends with your ex?
When I posted my review of Bride and Prejudice, I talked at length about the clumsy, vehement anti-Americanism spouted by the female lead. And when I googled her, I found this hilariously hypocritical picture.
When I ridiculed Newsweek for topping its "Women in Leadership" cover story with a feature on Danica Patrick, this made for a lovely juxtaposition.
Nothing can compared to the serendipitous pic I ran with the Yoko post, though. I had already written the post, including the line
No, I'm talking about a descent into a sort of madness, where the whispers in his ear become his unquestioned perception of reality. Suddenly, you and your friend have conflicts.When I later googled Yoko Ono, this utterly perfect picture popped up. It gave me chills. Still does.
posted by john at 04:58 AM • permalink
March 30, 2007
v supreme moment in whiteness award: karl rove raps
From esteemed Stank trolls Bob and Marta comes this train wreck from which you cannot avert your gaze.
For the first 1:45, it's merely awkwardly botched jokes.
Then the beat, and the real pain, start.
posted by john at 07:04 AM • permalink
December 29, 2006
| | nouri al-maliki |
Says the Iraqi PM on Saddam's fate:
"Our respect for human rights requires us to execute him."
posted by john at 06:03 PM • permalink
September 05, 2006
| | bill cowher |
Says coach Cowher on his quarterback's appendectomy:
"It's a unique thing. It could happen to anybody."
posted by john at 05:53 AM • permalink
August 14, 2006
| | peter bergen |
Says historian Peter Bergen about al Qaeda:
"Like Tourette's Syndrome, they keep killing Muslim civilians."
posted by john at 08:25 AM • permalink
August 05, 2006
| | john updike |
"Only people who were in the Holocaust are entitled to write about it. I don't feel that's the case with 9/11. I think most of the people who were there can't really speak now."
posted by john at 11:23 AM • permalink
June 21, 2006
iv supreme moment in whiteness award: jodie foster quotes the bard
Now that the SMW award exists, I gotta retroactively hand one out to this especially excruciating moment.
Originally published May 17, 2006
Another cringe-inducing moment, and this time it was actually planned.
posted by john at 07:09 AM • permalink
June 20, 2006
III supreme moment in whiteness award: james lipton with dave chapelle
Watching "Actor's Studio" host James Lipton try to casually slip dated black vernacular ("I'm a honky") into a conversation with Dave Chapelle is cringe-inducing, in that familiar oh-please-Dad-just-please-shut-up way. And the honky moment might have won the award, were it not for a moment 30 minutes later. Commenting on Chapelle's dead-on impression of a stuffy white anchorman, a genuinely perplexed Lipton asks the following: since Chapelle's so good at speaking white, why doesn't he "just speak that way all the time?"
posted by john at 07:37 AM • permalink
June 17, 2006
II supreme moment in whiteness award: me
Let it never be said that I'm any easier on myself than on others.
I don't know if it's a midwestern thing or a white thing or just a John thing, but I'm one of those people who tag those irritatingly folksy terms of endearment to the ends of sentences.
"Hey, man."
"Whoa, dude."
"Think, boy."
"Back of the line, pal."
"Love you, hun."
"Thanks, buddy."
"Listen, sweetheart." (Former officemate Leslie: "How come when you coo "sweetheart," I hear you snarl "bitch?")
It's reflexive. I don't give any thought whatsoever to it. Which leads us to the other night at a nearby Indian casino, when I mindlessly thanked my Native American neighbor for the steak he'd just sliced me with "Thanks, Chief."
Jesus H.
Say, would you be a pal and hand me that rusty potato peeler?
He glared, then sighed, and I had one of those awkward moments of self-awareness. I hate self-awareness.
posted by john at 02:27 PM • permalink
June 16, 2006
the supreme moment in whiteness award
I've been meaning to create this award for a while, but I was finally motivated to do so by comedienne Aisha Tyler. (She's scary-brainy, clicker-freezingly gorgeous, and hilarious? Gotta be gay.) The topic was American Idol, specifically the monomorphological stylings of Randy "Dawg! Dawg? Daaaaaaawg." Jackson. Of him, the black Ms. Tyler groaned, "Every time he opens his mouth to speak, black people everywhere just cringe."
I know the feeling. Dawg.
And thus is the Supreme Moments in Whiteness award finally rolled out, to commemorate those all-too-frequent occasions when a transcendentally clueless white person makes me want to take a rusty potato peeler to my own skin. I think it's only fitting and proper that Tom Cruise's booty-clenchin' stint on BET receive the first award and be immortalized on the icon.
posted by john at 03:08 PM • permalink
June 02, 2006
| | george w. bush |
To the Steelers, at their White House celebration today:
"I was a Texas Cowboy fan, you know."
posted by john at 05:16 PM • permalink
April 17, 2006
| | paula abdul |
"I always hear "I like the bald-headed guy,' 'I like the gray-haired guy.' Even if you don't know their names, people know their personalities."
posted by john at 07:16 AM • permalink
December 12, 2005
| | john howard |
Last year, it was Aboriginal rioting in Sydney. Now it's 5000 drunken white guys attacking any Australian they think looks kinda Arab. Followed by the requisite looting and vandalism, of course. Australian Prime Minister Howard was quick to step up:
"I do not accept that there is underlying racism in this country."
Yep, at this point, I think you'd have to call the racism overarching.
As I verified the time of the Aboriginal rioting, I found this "news" account. Apparently the American monosyllabic right has exported AM radio overseas.
posted by john at 12:51 PM • permalink
December 03, 2005
|
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minette
|
From her travelogue.
He dove low and gave it a rub, and then looked at me. He made the international sign for "Want to rub it?" and I made the sign for "yes" and down I went. It was lovely, lovely, lovely.
I think it's about scuba diving.
posted by john at 07:27 AM • permalink
October 28, 2005
|
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trent lott & bobby jon
|
Warm and fuzzy Senator Trent Lott sees the still-open Supreme Court vacancy as a GOP outreach opportunity:
"I want the president to look across the country and find the best man, woman, or minority that he can find."
TV Survivor Bobby Jon Drinkard, 27, on his goal of reaching the five-year old show's "jury:"
"It's my life-long dream."
posted by john at 08:17 AM • permalink
October 08, 2005
|
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howard dean & jessica biel
|
Esquire magazine's "Sexiest Woman Alive" Biel, trying to evoke modesty while ill-advisedly speaking self-authored words:
"I feel like my parents must have voted for me."
Howard Dean, quickly becoming the Democrats' Quayle, on Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers:
"I think with a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, you can't play, you know, hide the salami."
posted by john at 07:25 AM • permalink
October 02, 2005
|
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don criqui
|
Says the announcer of the Bills' quarterback:
"In addition to other things, Losman has a big time hose, there."
posted by john at 09:26 AM • permalink
September 29, 2005
|
lionel award
|
I'd intended to pass this award out to exceptionally untrained, unqualified, justifiably defensive editors. And then I switched to editing, myself. Examples have been few and far between, but finally, we have this question from a paid editor:
Edi-(cough)-tor: "Is it proxyable or proxiable?"Me: "Um. Well. First of all, proxy isn't a verb. Second..."
The original Lionel still has the all-time dumbest such query, when around her 10th year of taking up valuable headcount she sent to scads of editors an e-mail with the subject line "What's an editing pass?" (You there—yes, you—the engineer or janitor or actress or lawyer or student. What's an editing pass? See, even you knew.) Other random Lionel anecdotes: she complains to co-workers that NPR is too right-wing, and she recently proposed the inclusion of poetry readings in writer/editor meetings.
posted by john at 11:53 PM • permalink
September 23, 2005
self-medicating
GULFPORT, Mississippi (AP) -- Tom Leynes once was a carpenter, a popular man with an apartment just a block off the beach, "a happy guy."Today Leynes lives in a fly-covered pup tent. He's bearded and haggard, each day wearing the same camouflage green shorts and thousand-yard stare. He's trying to fend off a deepening depression with cans of beer and Valium, and on some days the 49-year-old man is barely coherent.
I don't have the heart to give this guy a WTFF award, but Jesus H. If you're depressed, here's a thought: stop taking freakin' depressants.
posted by john at 12:37 PM • permalink
August 30, 2005
|
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howard dean
|
Says the learned Democratic Party Chair:
"I think if we had a three-word message right now, it'd be We can do better."
posted by john at 12:54 AM • permalink
August 29, 2005
|
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finish their thought
|
New Orleans resident Gail Henke:
“I’m not a religious fanatic. But God has saved us from the hurricane He sent that killed all those other people”
Former Steeler disappointment (and future Giants disappointment) Plaxico Burress, on Steeler fans' distaste for him:
"I was never really liked in that city. They just kind of based their perception off of what I drove and what I did...as opposed what I didn't do, like charity work or catching the goddamned ball."
posted by john at 09:38 PM • permalink
August 24, 2005
|
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pat robertson
|
Pat Robertson on Chavez, yesterday:
"If he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability."
Pat Robertson to his viewers, today:
“I didn’t say 'assassination.' I said our special forces should 'take him out.' 'Take him out' could be a number of things, including kidnapping. There are a number of ways of taking out a dictator from power besides killing him. I was misinterpreted by the AP, but that happens all the time. So that I may better combat such media slanders, please send me large bundles of cash in nonsequential bills.”(Okay, I so made up the last sentence, but no more than the rest was made up.)
posted by john at 02:48 PM • permalink
July 17, 2005
|
michael bay |
The "Armageddon" and "Con Air" auteur on casting 20 year old Scarlett Johanssen as 33 year old Ewan McGregor's leading lady:
| "You gotta find someone who looks the right, you know, age. Ewan looks like he's 32, so you gotta find a 20 year old for him." |
posted by john at 01:51 PM • permalink
January 01, 1800
on WTFF
The origin of "WTFF" is only vaguely more interesting. When I was a manager, I'd read behind the writers' work regularly. Some writers were impeccably clean on the very first draft. I call them "my favorites." Some sucked bilgewater (as the editor, Annette, put it), no matter how many drafts they got. I call them "Roxanne." And one turned in excellent final drafts but really—insanely—weak initial drafts. She answers to "Dorkass." If the words stuck to the page, she figured, she'd done her job and met her deadline. She'll fix it later. Off to the mall! She specialized in the glittering generality. "Windows can be faster than nearly each and every one of the other alternatives," she'd type just to fill up space so she could get to the Bon Home sale. "Almost every last one of them."
One day, when I was working a weekend in order to read the draft she'd handed off before going to Banff, I came across the following. This is verbatim. "The new, comprehensive migration tools provided with Windows help you migrate items comprehensively."
My note was succinct: "WHAT THE FUCK? I MEAN, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?"
On Monday Annette sniffed, "I guess I've been doing it wrong all these years, giving actual feedback when all I had to do is swear like a 10 year old." She then proceeded to butcher the phrase in her memory, and now half the world thinks I say "what the fuckity fuck."
posted by john at 12:00 AM • permalink
Originally published February 6, 2005
|
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tom delay |
House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, inciting fundamentalist wrath on on the judges who allowed Terry Schiavo to die naturally:
"The time will come for the men responsible for this to pay for their behavior!"
Tom DeLay, on his paying his wife and daughter half a million bucks in election funds as "advisor salary:"
"Politics is a tough business and it is difficult to trust people."
Tom DeLay on Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy:
"He said in one session that he does research on the Internet? That is just incredibly outrageous!"
|
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honorable mention |
"(AP) A steady stream of the faithful and the curious, many carrying flowers and candles, have flocked to an expressway underpass for a view of a yellow and white stain on a concrete wall that some believe is an image of the Virgin Mary."
I know what they mean. I think I've seen the face of Satan in my guest bathroom toilet bowl.
posted by john at 12:00 AM • permalink