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Andy and I went to a sports bar to watch a game. The only available table was a six-top, so I decided to invite strangers to join us. Among them was a young couple. The girl reminded me in no small way of Dorkass' sister when she was younger, only adorable, non-irritating, and solvent.

She was chatty and charming, and we talked for hours. "Sigh," I thought. "I wish she were 10 years older." Curiously, I never wish I were 10 years younger. That would just be 10 additional years of my career, and no woman would be worth that. When the game ended, she insisted on taking a picture together. "Man," I thought. "You're totally misreading this. You're a decomposing troll. There's no way that was a signal."

As Andy drove me home, we discussed how much we liked the people we'd met. "And that girl!" Andy said. "She was so much more into you than she was the guy she came with!"

This is why I don't have male friends.