but seriously, women parts are super messed up

I was mowing my lawn while smoking a cigar and listening to a Steelers podcast.

"Jesus Christ," groaned Mike, "You are the single straightest man I have ever known."

There once was a time when that was unambiguously a compliment. Ah, the good ol' days.

• • •

I was having dinner with the pink mafia one night. I was the token straight amidst a full spectrum of queens. It's always a good time. It's a far more reliably good time than hanging out with straight friends or, god help me, family. Perhaps my attitude is better. Perhaps they're just kinder. I don't know, and I don't care. I enjoy differences between people. I love reveling in differences, learning from them, and most especially, making fun of them. In uptight Seattle, we don't even acknowledge differences, let alone have the grace to find humor in them. It's an uncomfortable fit for this polka dot, which brings us back to that dinner table.

"So back when you chose to be gay..." I slurred. It's my standard ice-breaker.

"FUCK OFF!" they slurred back. Also standard.

They were surprisingly curious about women, far more curious than I am about men. I would characterize their interest as zoological. What a weird species women are, they agreed, with horrific biological plumbing. It's hard to look at the stirrups in my doctor's office and disagree. I was far more interested in how the recent societal shifts have affected their lives. Are things noticeably better, day to day? Are they happier?

It was then that the conversation took a dark turn.

There was a lot of self-loathing at that table, a discomfort in one's own skin. I was shocked at the uniformity and depth of it. These are great guys. Yet to a man, they all found gayness a burden. I'd always looked at it as just something that...is. Like height. I don't love my height, but I also don't resent it or particularly think about it. This required some mental adjustment on my part.

Trying to understand, I posed a horrible question: if you could take a pill and be straight, would you? Four out of five immediately said yes. The fifth needed to think about it.

My mind was blown. I cannot imagine that feeling. I have never been where they are. I've never been in a place overlooking the rumor of a shadow of where they are.

I have no conclusions to draw from that throughly depressing conversation, but it forever colored how I look at gay issues. When I see religious nuts opposing gay marriage (or as I think of it, asserting special rights for straight people), it just saddens me. Like these guys aren't self-loathing enough, we have to shriek hysterically that they're unworthy of an institution with a 50% failure rate? Throw them a bone, already.

Bad choice of words. I'll allow it.