Yesterday, I opted to pay $45 to avoid talking to my mechanic's shuttle driver. This got me thinking. Who else would I pay $45 to avoid?
New Seahawks hat guy—Unless your name is Katrina, you haven't mentioned the Seahawks to me, nor have I once seen you in Seahawks regalia, once in 20 years. It is too late. I know I'm the only person you know who watched football six months ago, but seriously, fuck the fuck off.
"My dog is a rescue" guy—I'm all for adopting used dogs. What I'm against is the pretense that you parachuted into a burning, Gestapo-laden building to rescue yours. You went to the pound.
"We need to go all-in" guy—Kindly stop defiling the corpse of my once-favorite pasttime.
"I don't watch sports, except for soccer" guy—The biggest upside to the Seahawks' winning in February is that these guys have abated and put on Seahawks jerseys. But I know they'll be back. They loudly sniff at all sports, making a point to always end with except for soccer. "If you think about it," they will add if you let them, "My sensibilities are really more European than North American."
"I prefer dark chocolate" guy—Stop lying. It tastes like chalky yak ass.
Gourmet pizza guy—On the west coast, it is far easier to find a pizza adorned with bean curds and sprouts than it is to find an authentic New York crust. This guy has ruined my life.
Overpass protestors—They dangle signs above freeway traffic. One day alone, instead of the bumper in front of me I watched wildly waving signs proclaiming their bearers to be in favor of troops, animals, and Jesus. The latter is admittedly efficient, as someday, these idiots are going to send someone right to him.