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September 21, 2006
when sociopath met psychopath
I ventured into the outside world yesterday, always a mistake. Leaving my Jeep at the mechanic, I accepted a ride home aboard their courtesy van. A forty-something woman named Marge appeared, keys in hand. "Ready freddie?"
It would be the last vaguely sane thing I heard her say.
Things I learned during my ride with Marge:
- Rachel Ray is cute and all, but watching her push her hair out of her eyes makes Marge want to take her hunting knife to Rachel's bangs. "Can you just imagine how much hair is in her food? It's like hospitals. No wonder there are so many staph injections, with the way people's hair is so out of control. I hate hair." Marge pulled a monstrous, gleaming 10-inch hunting knife out of nowhere and pantomimed cutting off bangs. "Chop, chop!"
- Speaking of hospitals, Marge's second husband beat her severely. But not the first or third. She beat the crap out of them. Cheatin' sons-a-bitches. Don't they realize that the wife owns their penises? They have no business sticking their penis someplace else. They completely deserved the beatings. Her now-fourth husband, from whom she's currently separated, knows better than to cheat. She terrifies him. She didn't mention why they're separated.
- Marge used to have money. That's how she's had four husbands. But now the money is somehow gone, and she's declared bankruptcy, and she has to work as a courtesy shuttle driver, which is fine 'cause she loves meeting new people.
- Marge says rehab is for pussies. She's used every drug known to man, and she's never needed rehab. Her son, neither.
- No matter how fervently you stare at a speedometer and will it to go higher, it won't go higher.
- Marge's whole life turned around last year when she found the Lord Jesus Christ. Anger isn't as much an issue for her. Oh sure, when her husband makes her mad she sometimes still kicks him square in the nuts—ha ha!—but it's not as bad as it used to be.
- Everyone who lives on the water in Metamuville is a pedophile. "You know what they should do with pedophiles?" she asked as we turned into my driveway.
posted by john at 7:42 AM • permalink