Karyn is 24 and a sweetheart. A peninsula girl, she never considered college and has settled into her forever-life of cleaning houses. A lazy man, I exploit that. My sloth exceeds my threshold for filth.
Over the weekend she asked if we could have dinner to talk about her life, particularly her relationship with 27 year old Bobby. He's jobless and aimless and mooching off her, a situation excruciatingly familiar to me. Five minutes into her spiel, I was telling her what her life is like, what she's feeling, and how he reacts.
"And how does he rationalize that he contributes as much to the household as you do? He occasionally cooks dinner and works on the cars?"
"Are you...a genius?" she asked with genuine astonishment.
No ma'am, I am not. Guys are just really, really consistent.
After far too long, conversation eventually turned to me. She asked about the flowered champagne flute she's cleaned around a hundred times. I told her about my fake wedding to Elan, and how we have matching flutes.
She looked uncomfortable. Finally, she confessed: all of the housecleaners at her service think I'm gay.
My first, unspoken thought: considering how many of them are attractive young women, this buoys me with confidence that I am a stealthy leerer indeed.
My second thought: why? Their reasoning:
- My house is nicely decorated. Okay, I guess I understand that, but I would venture that this says more about their SOs' Harley Davidson plaques than it does about my sexuality.
- The champagne flute. Why this would have to be from a gay wedding, I do not understand, but apparently a solitary champagne flute struck these women as gay.
- I never hit on them. Charming. The answer here lies not in me but in yourselves, sweethearts.
- My guestroom has two pairs of slippers and two bathrobes. Karyn could not explain the logic, but this was apparently considered a smoking gun. Because, you know, robes and slippers in a guest room couldn't be for guests. They must be for me and my partner. My secret partner. Who must be gay. The slipper fits!
Who wouldn't hit on women who are fueled by such intellectual horsepower? Gayness: confirmed.