This week, I'm fixing popular entertainment. Because someone has to slap these people.
Dear Mythbusters,
First time, long time. I'm a big fan. I never miss a show. So believe me when I say that the following is said not to hurt, but out of love and genuine concern.
You continue to bless us with 22 hours per week of the very finest television. Unfortunately, your show is 44 minutes long. I would like to see these numbers converge. Toward that end, I have some suggestions:
Stop Intertwining
You are not fooling anyone. Cross-cutting between myths three times is a cheap way to recap what we just fucking saw three times, so you can get to 44 minutes with less actual content. Do I waste your time my endlessly repeating myself? You are not fooling anyone. Intertwining myths is just a way of padding your running time with endless recaps. If I wasted your time by repeating everything three times, you would probably not like it. No one, you are fooling, that's whom. The recaps necessitated by cutting between myths are just padding, and they waste everyone's time. Recaps. Fool no one. They're padding. That waste our time.
How did that feel? Would you like me to "revisit" the point?
The Kari Problem
If you're not going to take my Win-Win suggestion of dropping her from 10,000 feet on to Ryan Murphy, can we at least send her to welding school or something so she can make an actual contribution to the show? Every time I hear this twinkie chirp "We're experts!" I want to load up on okra and jalapeno poppers, take a dump on canvas, and tell her I'm an artist.
Scripted Spontaneous Dialogue
Over time, the blueprint scenes have become excruciating. The hosts now read the "witty" banter your writers with fetal alcohol syndrome have prepared for them. These scenes, once fine if unexciting, have become as excruciating as Thanksgiving Day parade banter. It's unwatchable drivel. Let them speak for themselves. Watching non-actors read tripe is torture.
The Voices
Adam is awesome. His voices are not. I don't know whose idea the frequent lapses into English or pirate or Jamaican accents was, but that person needs to send me a detailed map to his or her house.
Corollary: Adam has a great, infectious laugh. Except when he fakes it during Scripted Spontaneous Dialogue. "Ha ha," Adam reads. "Ha ha...crap. Line?"
"...ha ha!"
"...ha ha!"
I hope you take these suggestions in the constructive spirit in which they were intended.
Love,
John