insufficient funds

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Talk of the lottery quickly degenerated into "OK. You just deposited $50 million into your checking account. You're walking out of the bank. What's your next 24 hours look like?"

The usual suspects reared their heads.

"I'm quitting my job."

"I'm buying my mother a house."

"Porsche. There is no substitute."

"I would see an investment counselor." This was roundly booed.

"I'm photocopying my bank statement and stapling it to a photo of the insanely gorgeous Polynesian hookers I had sex with that night, then sending it to every woman who ever rejected me."

6a00d83451f90869e2013485f893ab970c-320wi.jpgAs for me, I would certainly pay off my house. After that, everything I thought of was...well...not objectively ethical. Fred Phelps would certainly meet his destiny. And I'd like to take out bin Laden, but who can find him? Oh. And my cheatin' ex. I'd buy her mortgage out, buy the business employing her, fire her, then squeeze her financially until her head popped like a zit.

Once I realized this potential for punishing enemies, it was all downhill. I started making a list of my grievances. One thing quickly became apparent.

"Boys, I'm gonna need lots more than $50 million."