Yesterday's post spawned several conversations about the eight webtards found online. There are pretty much you, me, and these eight guys. And yes, I'm just being polite about you.
The "First!" Guy—Posts "First!" in any comment forum. Centuries from now, his motivation will baffle anthropologists instead of just us. He is the second lowest form of life on the web.
The Second "First!" Guy—Tries to post "First!" first. Fails.
The Hijacker—This guy has one topic he likes to beat to death, and he prides himself on turning every thread, no matter how irrelevant, into a vehicle for his views on that topic. True story: on 9/11, I went to a Steelers board to see how my online friends were faring. A guy took a thread called "World Trade Center attack" as his opportunity to bitch about Steelers coach Bill Cowher. No subsequent link between Cowher and 9/11 has been found, but I'm sure one person is still looking.
The Navel Gazer—A cousin of the Hijacker, this guy turns every thread into a referendum on himself. He is not satisfied until everyone's posts are about him. Two approaches that I've seen work: drama-queening ("Zoey360XXX insulted for the last time and I'm not coming here anymore!") and incessant badgering ("Speaking of the World Trade Center attacks, Cowher is a moron."). Directions for aspiring navel-gazers: indulge yourself liberally until everyone goes insane, and then indulge some more.
The Word Macro—This is the guy without an original thought in his bubble-headed little fingers. His posts are composed only of phrases you see every day on the web. "Stole two elections," "it's just a big iTouch," "socialist agenda," etc.
The Ratholer—This might be me. This is the guy who doesn't so much derail a thread as drill-down on some point so deeply, everyone else loses interest. What, you don't care that Edward James Olmos turned down a role in Firestarter? Well, fine. I suggest that you leave this barbecuing forum, then. Twit.
The "Who Cares?" Guy—Pick a topic, any topic. Smartphones. The Sacramento Kings. Twilight. Now find a forum created by people who care about that topic. He will already be there, calling them stupid for caring. Every once in a while, someone will ask why, if he cares so little about the HR-20 DVR, he took the time to locate a forum devoted to the HR-20 just to say he doesn't care. I have never seen him respond.
The Huddled Masses—Look at a forum where you're allowed to "like" comments (CNN.com is one). Now look for the most asinine, unconvincing, self-indulgent, irrelevant, misspelled comment. Find it? I guarantee you it has the most "likes." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your lowest form of life on the web.