on second thought, please tell me all about poopy diapers

In terms of life's era's, I'm still in the period when I have to hear about my friends' kids' bowel movements. But the next era is coming into focus, and it's much, much worse: hearing about my friends' bowel movements.

"God, I haven't been able to take a dump for five days," said one recently. "How often can you go, John?"

"Yup, I remember when we used to talk about football and sex," I sighed wistfully. "Alas."

"Do you have problems with, um, er...(sotto voce) hemorrhoids?" asked my brother. "NEVER MIND," he snapped at my cascading waves of hysterical laughter.

"God, I was up all night peeing," said an older friend. "Like 10 times a night. Stream's so weak I have to straddle the toilet now."

This, this is what I have to look forward to? Not the maladies—the conversations? I shall go to bed tonight praying for my friends' continued fertility.