Thanks to the many trolls who took time out of their days to explain their remarkably complex algorithms for returning an item to the store. I got what I wanted: empirical proof that the original, shower-curtain-returning subject is indeed certifiably insane.
Poll results:
$20 - 46%
>$20 - 24%
$10 - 17%
$5 - 9%
<$5 - 4%
Let us now reflect on how 1) I consider returning $2 shower-curtain rings an obscene waste of my valuable time, yet 2) I'll spend 30 minutes totaling up poll results that validate me.