what we really need: bigger speed bumps

Whenever I drive through Metamuville, its senior citizens invariably give me the "lower the roof" hand signal. "SLOW DOWN!" they scream, causing me to look at the needle bisecting the "25" on my speedometer. I usually respond by gunning the engine.

Metamuville Road, which is my only means of seeing someone under the age of 104, has become their battlefield. Literally. In my five years here, I've seen three dead bodies, each killed by a Metamuville geriatric. Unfortunately, the bodies were not their own.

The Gray Mafia was recently shocked to discover that an arterial road has run past their houses for the last 60 years, and they want it gone. The constant speeding is a menace to pedestrians, they say, without a whiff of irony, about the zero pedestrians injured on this road. The county declined their demands for installing gated checkpoints every block or so. It's a public thoroughfare, the county explained, not a private country club. The Gray Mafia organized and whined until the county relented a bit, and soon speed bumps appeared.

I hate them, of course, but I especially hate that they were imposed on me by people whining about a condition that existed when we all bought our houses. I am not alone. A petition is circulating to get rid of the speed bumps. People often display petitions at the Metamuville Grocery, and so was it here.

It came down after a day. The Gray Mafia mobilized and threatened the new owner with boycotts if he allowed the petition to be displayed. One geriatric wrote him a letter howling that the owner "wants to harm my grandchildren" and "has no sense of community." Because that's what constitutes a sense of community, you see: preventing the community from considering the side of an issue with which you disagree.

Meanwhile, life and death go on. The same day the letter arrived at the store, an 80-something woman with an overdeveloped sense of community tried to park her car inside Metamuville Realty.