Bored shitless, I just shelled out for HBO. With my many hours of entertainment this week came the stunning realization that this was my healthiest relationship of the century. Inevitably, then, here are the ways in which having HBO is better than being in a relationship:
- HBO only costs me $16/month.
- HBO's friend Cinemax likes me just fine.
- The camera never lies.
- If HBO promises something, it actually happens.
- I can discontinue HBO at any time, for any reason, with no penalty.
- With HBO, I can pick my nose and fart with total impunity.
- I can complain about HBO's reception without HBO counterattacking me.
- HBO does not think I curse too much when I drive.
- HBO does not wish to change what it once admired about me.
- When HBO flirts with other viewers behind my back, it's not so painful.
- HBO does not idealize viewers who don't appreciate it.
- I get my choice of several HBOs, depending on my mood.
- The 30-second skip button.
- The women on HBO all look like models and talk like Ph.Ds.
- I get HBO every single morning, afternoon, and night.