Almost anytime someone mentions a junk TV show I've seen, my first impulse is to tell them what's wrong with it. And then it struck me: why not allow others to benefit from my programming expertise? Why not, indeed.
Heroes. The Ali Larter character is a cooler. A show-killer. If the show is a nuclear reactor, she's the control rod dropped into the core to stop the reaction. She's what the 30-second skip button is for. Save us the trouble and kill her off.
The Simpsons. No one could sustain greatness over 18 years, but producing fewer shows (say, 18 instead of 24 in a season) would certainly help. Concentrate on quality over quantity. At least six shows suck each year, anyway.
Rescue Me. I think every scene should be about how creator/producer/writer/star Denis Leary is stunningly brave and irresistible to women. What's that? Every scene already is? In that case, fewer soap plotlines (Denis Leary screws his nephew's teacher after screwing his dead cousin's widow but before Leary's brother impregnates Leary's wife, who Leary just raped and who liked it, etc.) would make me far less ashamed to watch the show. Perhaps showing a fire or two each season would help.
Lost. I know you're not going to be able to tie together all those weird-for-the-sake-of-weird threads. You know it. We all know it. To fix things, get Hiro from Heroes and have him go back in time, become a network executive, and cancel you after Season One.
Mythbusters. Remember the good old days, when Elevator of Death and the hovercrafts could be in the same episode? That was a great show. Despite the fact that they've diluted the on-camera "talent," the volume of padding in this show has become excruciating. Relentless cutaways lead to unending recaps of what we just cut away from 10 minutes ago, and padding like "vodka myths' is, well, padding. Yawn.
The NFL on Fox. Please, for the love of god, stop cutting to a different camera angle mid-play. These are not actresses in music videos whose inability to dance you must disguise in editing. That's all. Thank you. Say hi to Bradshaw for me.
Survivor. How can we miss you if you won't go away? You're in a creative and casting rut, but most of all, we're on what, season 16? 17? The show started in 2000. That's only seven years. Milk it much? We're exhausted of you. Go away for a while.
24. Learn the difference between a daisy chain of Macguffins and plot, please. The irrelevance of any given episode is deathly to our interest in the series.
American Idol. Know what's interesting? Trying to spot the next Kelly Clarkson during the auditions. Know what's not interesting? Watching you give airtime to uninterestingly, conspicuously "weird" people who just want to be on TV. Endlessly. To summarize: talent is interesting, unknowing lack of talent is interesting, and a moronic desire to be on TV at any cost is decidedly not interesting.