A veteran of three births already, my mom thought she knew what to expect. You bear down and force the head through, and the rest of the infant's body squirts out. It's all about getting the head through. But not her fourth time.
"All right, Pat, the head is through! Good job!""Thank God."
"Uh, you need to push again."
"What?"
"We seem to be stuck."
"What do you mean, 'stuck?' The head is the end!"
"Apparently this one's got shoulders."
And thus did I say a chipper 'ello, Mum! and rip her to shreds. She wouldn't be the last person I would maim.
I've long admired and resented men with long legs and graceful strides, the natural athletes. Such was never to be my destiny. I've got shoulders nearly as wide as my inseam is long. There's a term for a build like that: fireplug. It's not a compliment. When I walk alongside 6'4" Mark, I seemingly take seven steps for his every one. In my imagination, our strides sound like this:
Mark: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!
John: dink dink dink dink dink dink dink
Mark: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!
John: dink dink dink dink dink dink dink
In terms of athletics, my proportions are an advantage of sorts, but only in inglorious goon roles. In football, I'm an offensive lineman. In softball, I'm the catcher no one wants to charge. In soccer, I'm the fullback who will check your star wing and obliterate his knees. Basketball is probably the game I'm best suited for, but it's certainly not because I'm a scoring threat. Physics dictates that I do everything else: rebound, play defense, pass, and—most especially—set picks. When I set a pick, you stay picked. As d'Andre says, "There's no ‘battling through the pick.' There's ‘battling to eat solid foods again.' "
"I have no respect for that," the Approval Whore once snarked. She, although not exactly a keen sports mind, is hardly alone in that sentiment. But why? Are we fireplugs supposed to sit on the sideline "reading" Glamour, too? Are we supposed to play, but not use the only advantages nature gave us—in other words, to suck? Are we to pay homage to the fleet and agile by letting them score without challenge?
Utter nonsense. Buckle up, buttercups.