When I returned to Porny's barstool after an 18 month absence, she delightedly gave me many, many free drinks. This has happened neither before nor since, but given our reunion and my intent to stay, it seemed appropriate. The room was starting to spin a bit when a beautiful woman sat next to me.
"Oh. My. God." Porny shrieked. "You two have GOT to meet one another!" It was her friend. Let's call the hot friend Ivanka.
In a come-to-Jesus conversation later, I explained things to Porny. "You can incapacitate me. You can introduce me to your hot friends. But you cannot do both!"
The damage was done. I had been sloppy, and although Ivanka remained polite in a "Hey, how are you?" way, that was always quickly followed by a display of her back. Can't really blame her.
The homewrecker I kicked out of my life, let's call her Melania, started texting me about her financial troubles. She texted me realtime, as events developed. Her parents said no to helping her. The payday advance place said no. Her bank said no. Her grandparents said no. She told me the exact amount she needed. She called several of these nos "my last option" and said she was having a nervous breakdown about finances.
"Why don't you ask Scumdad? Or is he only good for wetting his dick in his abandoned infant's godmother?" I said in my imagination.
"That's awful," I said in reality, relying on the dumb-guy routine to frustrate her into giving up.
"John!" Porny exclaimed. "What are you doing here? You never come on a Wednesday night."
"Melania's been vigourously panning for gold, and I'm out of alcohol."
I shared with her what was going on. Her hot friend Ivanka was there and perked up.
"What do you do for a living?" she interrupted with urgency. "Do you have a wife?"
My hand to God, people. That's exactly how she phrased it.
Later on, I told Porny a story. Or I tried to. "I went out with my old Microsoft boss, and—"
"YOU WORKED AT MICROSOFT?!" whirled Ivanka.
"Oops," I said, looking at my phone. "My Uber's here. Gotta go."
And then I went outside, requested an Uber, and waited in the freezing cold.