With each year that passes since the baby boom of 2005, September becomes a more and more joyous occasion for my friends.
"When does your shrill, insatiable food-monster go to prison?" they excitedly ask one another, panting with anticipation. (Actual quote may vary. I'm going from memory.) "Mine disappears on Monday. I. Cannot. Wait!"
I'm happy for them. God knows I empathize with wanting to get away from their kids. But September means something else entirely for me: the return of the school bus parade on Metamuville Road. 10 miles long and only two lanes wide, Metamuville Road has only occasional passing zones. Combine that with a remorseless parade of old farts who refuse to pass a school bus under any circumstances, and you have a succession of heart attacks in my car. While moss forms on my tires, I unsilently blame my parent-friends for my plight. Are their kids on that bus? No. No, they are not. It is not reasonable for me to resent my friends. But fuck them anyway. I've stopped 9 times in the last quarter-mile.
Which brings us to these public service announcements:
- Kids! Have you heard of bloody bus stops? There once was a time when we all congregated at the end of a driveway and made the world stop only once for us instead of the aforementioned 9 times. I know you're super-special angel blossoms and all, but really, you can text your friends while standing next to them.
- Metamuville old farts! THIS IS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LIKE THEM. IT IS NOT ILLEGAL TO PASS A SCHOOL BUS UNDER ALL CIRCUMSTANCES. I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH. IF THE LIGHTS AREN'T BLINKING AND THEY'RE DRIVING 15 IN A PASSING ZONE, YOU CAN PASS THEM.