I chased Allie's kid Lily around my house. She was on roller blades, and I was snatching cameras and binoculars out of her path, until finally, everything valuable I own was in my hands.
"How about a cupcake?" I offered.
I should have said that sooner. The skating stopped, and soon I was mesmerized by how the child was trying to grind cupcake crumbs permanently into my countertops.
"Lily's decided she never wants to have kids."
Lily nodded. "They're too much work."
I was ruminating on her use of the third-person when Allie told her "You know, you're one of the reasons John doesn't have kids."
The child looked to me for confirmation. I nodded. "You're one of exactly eight reasons," I said, referring to the baby boom of 2005.
"You can't have nice things," I said. "And kids take up all of your free time."
"And then some," Allie corrected.
"And my god, the money."
"They cost a LOT of money," Allie agreed, and I began to wonder if the third-person problem was a genetic thing.
"It's a choice you make, really. Do I want kids, or do I want time and money?" I continued.
"I want money," Lily declared, the question stupid.
Good girl. Have another cupcake.