Distinguished Stank troll Marta asks why Nicole married a non-fundamentalist, a question I myself asked Nicole. She replied that she'd planned to deal with the religious differences after the wedding.
"Good call," I glared.
"Wasn't it, though?" she chuckled sadly.
Nicole and my fundamentalist sister-in-law Maria are still in touch. Longtime readers may recall that my sister-in-law has spent the last couple decades unironically fabricating stories about me lying. This is but one ripple in her vast reservoir of malice. Manufacturing drama is to Maria what eating doughnuts is to you and me. A high school graduate, she has an honorary doctorate in stirring shit. A Ph.Doody. Every time Nicole got remarried or pregnant, for instance, Maria leaked it to my sister, with the proviso "don't tell John. He might be weird about it." This was less a concern than a fervent hope.
Nicole is not immune from the stirring. The last time I spoke to Maria, she regaled me with a story designed to demonstrate how bonkers Nicole is. According to Maria, they were at an anti-abortion rally in Washington, DC. Hundreds of protestors poured across the street against the signal, and Nicole stood still on the curb, making them flow around her.
"C'mon, Nicole!" Maria urged, tugging at her. "Let's go."
Nicole refused to jaywalk with the horde. "No. I want to be a good witness."
Maria snorted this line derisively, as if that were the insane thing about their trip. But I give Nicole points for consistency. In the eyes of her god, jaywalking is as bad as ethnic cleansing.