reader mail: theft

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Noob Stank troll Justin asks:

Do you find yourself the target for more theft, too?
Theft, sure. I don't know about more theft. I've had stuff stolen when I was at pretty much every phase of life. It used to be car batteries and tools. Now it's me paying people to not work. My company's staff isn't bad, largely because if I see suspicious timecards, they just don't get any more assignments. Housecleaners, though, are especially bad. If I'm here, they work the four hours for which they're paid. If I'm not, I've seen them leave after 25 minutes, skipping entire rooms. Thanks, creepy motion detectors!

Which brings us to the recent discovery that my former lousy housekeeper is about to be released from prison. Her crime? Stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars of stuff from an elderly client. My latest housekeeper told me about this.

This compelled me to go "Hmmm, maybe I should google these people." The latest housekeeper popped up immediately. You remember my latest housekeeper. The one asking for an $850 loan? She was arrested five years ago for dealing Oxycontin and, not coincidentally, prying someone's safe out of their floor. She and her boyfriend, whom she often brings into my house to "help."

"Maybe you should clean your own house," offers my friend Erica.

"And people say women aren't funny."