advice for the son i'll never have

Sequel to Advice for the daughter I'll never have

I have not met your mother, but I know she has damaged you. Her doting has turned you into a big, fat whiny baby when you're sick. It is important that you realize this. Your girlfriends and wives will not understand why you're such an attention-whoring pansy when you get the sniffles. Particularly if they're in labor.
I know this goes against your hard-wiring, but teasing girls until they cry is not an effective way to convey that you have a crush on them. Seriously. They're nuts, little dude.
Learn how to throw a ball. You can have a candyass arm, but if you can't throw with correct form, you're in for a rough life.
Never hit a girl. Even if she's bigger than you. Even if she hits you first. Retaliation will not end well for you. Your merely getting hit is the best possible outcome, here.

Exception: sisters. If you let your sisters hit you with impunity, you're in for a rough life.
We know what you're doing behind that closed door. We don't care. Knock yourself out.
If you're gay, we're cool. Just be a top.
If you're a born-again Christian, we're cool. Just don't visit.
Never, ever date a male friend's ex without his permission.
Never, ever grant your male friend permission to date your ex. Are you fucking high?
Girls who are smoking hot in high school are almost always delusional, selfish people, and I don't mean just during high school. The attentions they receive at this formative time warp them forever. Aim instead for the cute nerd. There will be time for the young, smoking hot girls later, between your marriages.
Bathe. Work. Be courteous to servers. Don't call girls "sluts" just because they don't want to go out with you. If you can just do these four things, you will be among the most attractive 2% of the men in the world.
When a love interest volunteers that "whore" is the most insulting thing a man can call her, reflect on how this might have come up in the past.
All things being equal, work for a woman. Men working for men often becomes a pissing contest, and guess who loses?
When your girlfriend, mother, or female friend vents about something, you will feel—in your every corpuscle—that she's asking you to fix it. She's probably not. Resist your evolutionary imperative here.
Women have the adorable habit of thinking the life out of everything, exhuming its grave, resuscitating it, and then thinking the life out of it again. As you do not think much at all, you will usually find their overthinky thinkingness quite handy. Never admit this.

Note that her thinkingness will also bite you in the ass. She will parse your actions for meaning and nuance that are not there. Like any paramecium accused of higher functioning, you will be baffled by this. The more you protest that your putting Diet Coke in the grocery cart means that you want Diet Coke and not she's fat, the more she'll stick her finger down her throat. Do not engage. Just change the subject to compliments. She probably won't fall for it, but it will end the conversation.
Almost any disaster in life, including messed up relationships, can be undone. But not making kids. Do not accidentally knock a girl up. Kids are forever. It's a life-wrecker for everyone, especially the kid. If she's on the pill, congrats—but you're still responsible for helping her remember to take the thing.
I adore women. Everyone I love is a woman. I was raised by a woman, and everything I know about being a man, I learned from a woman. That said, they are pure evil. They will give you secret tests, especially when they're young. You must learn to navigate these. It starts with your mother, who'll ask you "Do you think this blouse is slimming?" when you're still in the womb. Like "Which of my friends is the prettiest?" later on, there is no right answer. Say nothing and change the subject.
One of the tests will be whether you can figure out what's on her mind without her telling you directly. This is a test of your...oh, I don't know...let's say "tolerance of game-playing." The surest way to nip that in the bud is to pretend you don't notice what's going on. Her hints will become more overt, but stay the course. You notice nothing. You are a spore, so this is entirely plausible to her. Eventually she will give up the charade and speak in short, declarative sentences.
Before you start dating, do two things for me:
1. Create an online persona where you're an modestly attractive girl. The
  ensuing tsunami of creeps will teach you a lot about a woman's world.
  Although it will make you truly despise men, it will make you a better man.
2. When you know an athletic girl well enough to make this request of her,
  wrestle her. Try to pin her down. You will be amazed how easily you can
  overpower even strong girls. This too will change your perspective
  forever.
That strangling terror you'll suddenly feel is called "empathy."
Although it'll make you want to hermetically seal every woman you've
ever cared about, it will serve you well.