plunk!

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I was sitting on the examining room table in my new doctor's office, playing with the ice cold stirrup things and silently thanking fate for my being a man. That's when I felt it. A booger was at risk of protruding. No matter. I was alone. In I went for a little pre-exam grooming.

Out came what can best be described as an enormous, sinewy chandelier. Its roots had roots. I was still marveling at this natural wonder when I heard footsteps outside the door. Panicked, I flicked the thing toward the trash. It veered off 45 degrees and plunked right dead-center on the doctor's stool. That's when she opened the door.

She stopped cold. She stared at it. She regarded it a good, long while, then me, then it again. Meanwhile, I stared at the window, wishing the blinds weren't closed so that this were a more plausible distraction. Finally, she conducted our interview while standing up.

And I wonder why my last doctor ditched me?