kids: dedicated, oscillating, neumatic parent-torturing devices

I'm enjoying the Sensational Sixes. The children of the 2005 baby boom are really getting interesting, now. And by "interesting," I mean that if properly armed and aimed, they can drive my friends to despair.

My friends deserve no less. Ironically, because they had kids.

The only boy of the group, Henry, is the gift that keeps on giving. Boys are such low-hanging fruit. Drum set, whistles, cymbals, super-soaker, industrial-grade megaphone (with siren!)'s all worked to perfection. This week he received a Nerf machine gun. In the video Mom sent me, Henry literally vibrates when he first sees it. "Look, it's got bullets! AND EXTRA BULLETS!!!"


That night, darts everywhere and the dog traumatized, Mom was putting him to bed when he asked incredulously, "How did Uncle John know I wanted a Nerf machine gun?"

Because dudes ain't exactly complex, little man. Enjoy.

Chicks are harder work. I had to get the ball rolling with Annalie over video conference, where I showed her the unloved kitties and doggies awaiting death at her local pound. She brought home her kitten Cookie a few days later. Cookie drives Mom nuts while she works, which inspired me to take it up a notch by sending Cookie a box full of toys. I selected the toys by searching Amazon for "annoying" and "noisy."

barbie.pngThe most evil gift went to Danielle, d'Andre's six year old. She received a Barbie. Not Black Barbie, either. Cracker-ass Barbie. With tea set and golf clubs, the whitest accessories I could find. Mom was amused at first, saying something about it being "important that Dalia learn that some people aren't racists so much as just dicks." And then Dad, who always has to one-up me on that count, brought home a companion for White Barbie: Black Ken. Mom is now ready to divorce both of us.

Other friends have a severely autistic 6-year old. So severe as to be nearly feral. Because I feel sorry for all concerned, they've gotten a free pass. And upon hearing these tales, weary Dad remarked "Finally. An upside to autism."