my friends' kids, neatly summarized in their own words

I was playing with a friend's kid on some monkey bars when we reached an impasse. She would go no farther, she said, because I was certain to tickle her. Never mind that I have never tickled her nor threatened to, she argued. I am a douchebag, and douchebags apparently tickle vulnerable children.

And thus did we argue for five minutes until her arms got tired and she advanced past me on the bars.

"And did I tickle you?"


"Then don't you think you owe me an apology?"

The child blinked at me, confused. Sheepishly, she finally replied "I don't know what that word means."