the "i am not a racist" speech

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It's become a rite of passage for disgraced celebrities. Caught on tape slandering some minority, they try to get ahead of the mounting scandal. They issue a statement that's always the same. "I am not a racist," says x, reads the headline the next day. Occasionally, we break up the monotony with "I am not a homophobe."

It was during Joakim Noah's latter speech that a thought occurred to me: How come you and I never have to say these words? I've been called a racist or homophobe approximately 183,765 times in my life, yet it's never occurred to me to defend myself. Why?

Oh. Right. Because they were kidding.

Are you like me? When someone actually says the words "I am not a racist," do you hear "I am a seething racist" set to Johnny Rebel, the Confederate Anthem?