Yesterday was one of them days. It was my first day off since January 12, counting weekends, and I am officially ready to go back to work. Yeah, I could tell you tales of scorched pizzas (Way beyond burned. We're talking almost a diamond.) or of my boss, Flo, showing up with her kid ON MY FIRST FUCKING DAY OFF SINCE JANUARY 12. But I won't. Because that would be whiny.
No, I shall share a tale that some of you will ask if I made up. Sadly, quite sadly, I did not.
I have a 1988 Ford F250, an enormous beast of a beater truck that I use maybe four times a year when a Prius just won't do. It has had an irritating electrical problem for a while now. And in January, I swapped out the battery. Nothing. Then I swapped out the solenoid. Nothing. And then the crunch at work hit, and I no longer had time to deal with it. So I called a mobile mechanic.
He arrived yesterday. I told him what I'd done to date, tossed him the keys, and retreated indoors. I had just sat at my desk when I heard the truck roar to life. What? Already?
I went outside, expecting to see that he'd jumped the starter directly from the battery. Nope. I was baffled. He was sheepish.
"The battery cables were, uh, on the wrong terminals," he finally said.
Yes kids, I had put the red cable on minus. And then to prove that my stupidity is a perennial and not an annual, I did it again when I installed the solenoid. And then I called a freaking mechanic to tell me this.
I hunched over the side of the truck, staring at the cables, humiliated. I imagined what my dad would say. "Busted ass" would certainly be in his commentary. You know your humiliation is complete when the mechanic is consoling you. Complete. Right? Right?
Wrong.
My pride smarting, feeling utterly emasculated, I trudged toward the house. Dex did her usual happy dance around me, hopping in the air in an expression of unbridled joy over my actually moving. One of her paws snagged my leg, and my sweatpants shot to my ankles. Mere seconds after I had pantsed myself figuratively, my dog pantses me literally.
And yeah. The mechanic saw. Thank god Percy's in Arizona.