why i just set up my tripod and took a giant photo of my two extended middle fingers

A friend I've made recently is a high-energy, ultra-positive physical trainer. Not that that's how we met. God forbid. No, we work on the same small-town committee. She's both exhilarating and exhausting, but I like her anyway, and we've developed a comfortable star/slug rapport. Plus she's hot. Hot chicks flock together. You can never have too many hot chick friends.

Finally, after many months, she emailed me an invitation to do something outside of the committee's work. "Excellent," I thought. "Bring on the friendship." And then I read the email. It's an invitation to join the "Biggest Loser" weight-loss competition at her gym.