Once again, Allie was trying to talk me into doing something I didn't want to do. "If it was fun, you should just bite the bullet and go." And thus concluded the only moment in human history where a guy's girlfriend, past or present, tried to talk him into going to Hooters.
Last Sunday, I decided to try a different Steelers bar. This is the area's largest, and sure enough, 250 Steelers fans crowded the Tacoma Hooters. Did I mention it's Hooters? I hate Hooters.
"Yeah it's stupid, but they've got great wings" you'll hear some guy say in the exact same cadence as "I get Playboy for the articles." Well, no. No, they don't have great wings. Their wings rather suck. They're frozen breaded, consequently mushy, and even the "hot" have no flavor, let alone heat. So let's dispense with the pretense of great wings.
I'm not sure exactly what I hate most about Hooters. I'd venture it's that the girls are so, so young, except that the place has always bothered me. There's definitely an element of creepiness to commercialized objectification. I certainly don't want to be seen there. I don't want to identify with the cretins who comparison-shop the waitresses. And I can't help but think that secretly, the 19 year old caressing my arm and sticking her cleavage in my sight-line while I'm watching the game thinks I'm contemptible for simply being there. How can she not? I hate myself for being there.
"I know I'm getting old," I said to the guy on my right, who was probably about 65. "When I look at our waitress, I wonder So what do your parents think you do for a living?"
"I must not be old, then, 'cause that's not what I'M thinking when I look at her!" he chortled, actually elbowing me in the ribs. I didn't know people really did that.
As revolting as the wings and elbows were, the part that bothered me most was the kids. Steelers fans brought their little kids to Hooters. To. Hooters. The 10 year old boys ogled the waitresses and deliberately dropped things so that they'd have to bend over. What caught my attention most, though, was an 8 year old girl near them, in her little Steelers cheerleader outfit, studiously taking it all in. Of all the women in the room, she was the one I'll always remember.