I haven't attended a family function in 14 years. I've seen family members, yes, but I haven't seen 'em all at once since my sister's wedding. On holidays, they knife each other without me. And then they burn up my phone, each lobbying me to believe their version of events.
To summarize, I detest family functions. Always have. My relatives' behavior toward one another is contemptuous and reprehensible. When I was a kid and I would blow out my birthday candles, I wished that I would never have to see the assembled people again. And then I became an adult, and I damned near made sure that wish came true. Fact: since I was in high school, my family has met exactly three people from my life. And it ain't because I'm ashamed of my friends and girlfriends.
It was my kindest sister that was getting married 14 years ago, and I didn't really see how I could blow her wedding off. I said I would attend, and then I begged my friend Tammy to accompany me. Having heard horror stories about my heinous family for years, she agreed to be my wingman. I introduced her as my "friend," which of course was interpreted as "secret wife." They descended on her, regaling her with stories about me.
"Like this one time, we were sleeping on the floor at our grandmother's house, and John stage-dove off the bed and landed on our cousin's Jimmy's nuts and started an inter-cousin war that still pisses people off..."When I couldn't deny the stories, Tammy smirked at me smugly. Now they were sure she was my secret wife."Once after I got eye drops to dilate my pupils, we went into the bathroom to see if I could see in the dark, and when I said I couldn't see anything, John sucker-punched me as hard as he could in the gut..."
"We were playing soccer and I had an easy shot on goal and John knocked me 5 yards out of bounds and screwed up my spine for life..."
"When we were in our Aunt Helen's funeral procession, John gave the finger to our grieving cousins..."
"He tried to decapitate this kid Timmy with a hammer on a rope."
"One time he used a sewing needle to sabotage an entire pack of condoms..."