things i will just never get

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Susan Sarandon. She's talentless. She's unattractive. She's insufferable. Why on earth is this woman revered? If there were ever an open season on actors, she'd be the first one I'd bag.

The NFC East. I guess someone there will have to be a playoff team, but really—why does the media fawn over this concentration of mediocrity and pronounce it the NFL's best division?

Linds, Brit, Paris, et. al. Stop clicking. I beg of you.

Calls for impeaching Bush.
Yeah, you'll simply love President Cheney.

Nagasaki. Japan had three days to surrender after Hiroshima. They didn't.

Mike Holmgren's clock management.
Does he think the time-outs roll over to the next game?

Goodfellas. It's fine. Kinda boring. Like a clown.

The following parting remark from girlfriends dumping me: "Thank you for treating me so wonderfully." I've been dumped twice. These were the exact parting words both times. This remark should come with a gift certificate for therapy.

The following compliments from girlfriends:

  • "Your best feature is good hygiene."
  • "Thank God you don't bring all the junk mail into the house and let it collect."
  • "I like that you don't use my kitchen knives as household tools."
Um. I love you too?