things i will never get

Most of life baffles me; it's true. But I find the following things especially confounding this week.

Mechanics and car seats. What is it, exactly, about driving my car the 20 feet from the garage to a parking space that requires him to adjust the seat?

Japan not surrendering immediately. Three days passed between Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Three days to sort through the rubble and count the bodies. They didn't know Nagasaki was next. It could have been Tokyo or wherever Hirohito was. Was there no sense of self-preservation? What the hell else does one have to do to get an "Uncle?"

Grits. Overcooked candle wax, only blander. And less nutritious.

Restraint with bigots. This is dedicated to Serena Williams, who yesterday during a match was taunted with vicious racist vitriol from a spectator. She calmly asked the judge to do something about him, then crushed Sharapova 6-1, 6-1. I cannot fathom such calm and grace. If I'd been her, the man would have a permanent waffle imprint on his larynx today. And I'd be in jail instead of the quarterfinals.

The anti-abortion demographic. I actually have no logical quibble with the anti-abortion argument. If you think the fetus is a human life, then you can't be faulted for defending it. A perfectly valid point of view. No, what confounds me is that I can't name one secular pro-lifer. Although the above argument is not religious, its proponents universally are. Bizarre.

Obnoxious fans. I'm not talking about people who root for their team loudly. I'm talking about people who think the price of their ticket entitles them to ruin the good time of people who also paid for their tickets. "It's the Super Bowl! I paid $3000 for this seat!" said one such moron when the elderly gentleman behind him asked him not to leap up during plays in progress. "It'd be a shame for it to go to waste, then," I replied.

Diamonds. Even animals are fascinated by shiny things. I get this. And diamonds are pretty. But talk about having no intrinsic value. If you set thousands of one-dollar bills on fire, at least you'd get heat. Ever try to sell a diamond ring? The same dealer who appraises your ring at $10,000 will offer you $350 for it. Those figures aren't made up, either. That would be my mom's ring.

The big mortgage lie. For years, I was told I was stupid for renting a house and thereby passing up on the fantastic tax savings a mortgage provides. Uh huh. These people annually set aflame $15,000 on interest in order to "save" $2000 on taxes, and everyone else is stupid. This reminds me of my mom buying items she didn't want in order to use coupons. "But I saved twenty cents!"