ANN ARBOR, MI (Stank Press) - This weekend, University of Michigan president Delores LeChanel filed a restraining order against Stanford University and Harvard University. "As president, I must protect our brand," LeChanel said in a statement. "While we're flattered that these institutions and their alumni are referring to themselves as the Michigan of their respective coasts, it ultimately diminishes the value of a Michigan diploma and creates confusion in the consumer's mind."
Michiganders are quick to point out they're not heartless and that she's not asking for a total ban. "Harvard and Stanford can confuse black recruits all they want," said Cooter P. McNugget, leader of the recently-passed Michigan initiative to ban affirmative action. "Go Blue!"