Here's what movie-going in your 30s is like, kids.
On the way home from the theatre, Katrina and I were debating the merits and flaws of Superman Returns when...
Katrina: "I had issues with Lois Lane and her boyfriend. I thought they were really poor parents. I mean, taking the kid on to Luthor's yacht? I would never do that."Me: "Congratulations."
Katrina: "What?"
Me: "You just made tomorrow's Stank post."
Katrina: "OH NO NO NO NO NO what I was saying was that in terms of the plot, it wasn't credible that she would take him on to the yacht."
Me: "Mmm."
The movie was good. Brandon Routh ably takes over the mantle, often hitting notes so eerily like Christopher Reeve, they're kind of creepy. Every scene Kevin Spacey was in, my eyes were riveted to him. Both performances were note-perfect. Kate Bosworth looks 12. (Where movie math and real math collide: to be Bosworth's age, Lois would have had to have slept with Superman when she was 17). Parker Posey's performance and role are overpraised. The Luthor scheme was just plain dull. Despite some plodding indulgences, the film tries for, and occasionally achieves, grandeur. That's rare.
Now, on to the bitching.
The tagline of the '77 Superman was "You will believe a man can fly." Seems quaint now, doesn't it? In this day and age of Bobbing Tigers, Pendular Dragons, every movie has flying men. A flying man comes with the medium popcorn combo, now, so the tagline clearly needs updating. How about:
You will believe a man can dangle an entire cruise ship by a single strut.I'm willing to believe in Kryptonian physics for two hours, but can we keep the Earth physics vaguely recognizable?You will believe sound waves can travel to Superman's ears in the vacuum of space.
You will believe that a small helicopter can make it from New York to the Bahamas.
You will believe that faulty release pins can hold a space shuttle to the roof of a 747 if the shuttle's rockets fire.
You will believe that NASA would just happen to fill the 747 with reporters for the shuttle's maiden launch.
You will believe a 747 can be held by its nose at a 45 degree angle and be gently lowered to the ground without snapping.
You will believe that Superman can lift into orbit the same suburb-sized chunk of kryptonite that, just 10 minutes ago, sapped all his powers.
You will believe that Earth orbit escape velocity is that of a love tap.