I'm playing catchup with an ex right now. My plan to say that I married Khristi (17 years her junior), who bore me two beautiful, green-eyed children, was subverted by her own lie that she's a stereotypical suburban mom.
Ha, ha. No, nothing whatsoever has changed in five years with me, either. Ho, ho. My life is exactly the same, only balder and fatter. Har, har.
Continuity is overrated.
This did get me thinking about commonalities in these little catch-up conversations with friendly exes. Here are the odds on the content of any such chat.
| The odds are... | That she'll say... |
| 2-1 | "As soon as we broke up, I cut my hair really short." |
| 1-1 (astoundingly enough) | "Everyone says the short hair looks great." |
| 4-1 | "I haven't had a pizza in years. Still sick to death of them." |
| 5-1 | "How come you never mention me on your web site?" |
| 5-1 | "I come across as such a bitch on your web site." |
| 10-1 | "I'm in love for the first time in my life!" |
| 12-1 | "I married a guy named Gary." |
| 12-1 | "At the end of my life, I want those years I spent with you back." |
| 20-1 | "You think of me as ex? Really? I thought it was just a sex thing." |
| 20-1 | "You still listening to that die-bitch-die music?" |
| 30-1 | "Being around you was like being around radioactive waste. Sooner or later, your blood just starts to turn bad." |
| 100-1 | "I should have treated you better." |
| 100-1 | "John, I can't begin to describe how much knowing Jesus has changed my life, and I hope for you to know this kind of piece." [sic] |