I've often been accused of being a poor listener, but I like to think I'm actually exceptional in that regard. It's just that what you say isn't necessary what I hear. Here's a primer.
| Who | What they say | What I hear |
| NFL draft pick, responding to a reporter's question | "Nah, it doesn't matter where I go. I just want to play football." | "Yeah, like I want to play for the Texans. Thanks for putting me on the spot. Don't ever put yourself in a position where I need to brake in order for you to live." |
| Student | "I had no idea we weren't supposed to copy writing from the Web and pass it off as our own." | "Please insert your foot so far up my ass that I can taste where you walked yesterday." |
| Student | "I'd love to work at Microsoft someday" | "I have no idea how lowly your station is nowadays." |
| Woman | "My boyfriend..." | "Move along, lardo." |
| Woman | "My husband..." | "I'm low-hanging fruit." |
| Woman | "My fiancé..." | "I'm 19." |
| Pakistani official | "We have no idea where bin Laden is." | "Pakistan." |
| Acquaintance | "You are cordially invited to witness the marriage..." | "I heard you work at Microsoft." |
| Bride | "You are cordially invited to witness the marriage..." | "Come, pay homage at the altar of...me!" |
| Groom | "You are cordially invited to witness the marriage..." | "I owe you." |
| Niece or nephew I've never once heard from | "Announcing the graduation..." | "I heard you work at Microsoft." |
| Microsoft executive, in e-mail | "Pete is moving on to other exciting opportunities. I'd like to thank Pete for..." | "I know Pete's a complete fuck-up, you know it, so I'm not even going to bother to spin this." |
| Microsoft | "You must download a critical update" | "This breaks RealPlayer real good." |
| Dorkass | "I like how you cherry-pick stories to make me seem so stupid." | "Me no like you're web page." |
| Katrina | "I can't do anything tonight. I've still got tons of editing to do." | "Please drop by, kick off your rancid shoes, and take no hint to leave." |
| Ex-friend | "Whenever someone criticized you, I always defended you." | "I'm 13." |
| NBA player | "LeBron's going to get his points. You just have to try to contain him." | "My check clears either way." |
| Conversationalist | "How's Ed?" | "I can't think of a single thing to say to you." |
| W | "I'm the decider." | "I write my own public statements, too." |
| Athlete holding out for a tenth million | "I gots to take care of my family." | "And I mean for 17 generations." |
| Critic | "John is so negative. I'm just tired of it." | "John held up the mirror, so he's to blame for the ugliness I saw." |
| Allie | "At the end of my life, I want those six wasted months back." | "At the end of my life, I want those six wasted months back." |
| Anyone | "Democrat" | "Incompetent" |
| Anyone | "Republican" | "Evil" |
| Pushy friend | "I just want you to find someone." | "I'm so terrified to be alone that I won't leave my obvious train wreck of a marriage, and seeing you happy makes me feel weak and stupid. Validate me." |
| Fundy | "Do you know Jesus?" | "Validate me." |
| New mother | "Want to hold the baby?" | "Validate me." |
| Athlete | "I'm being disrespected." | "Validate me." |
| W | "I'm the decider." | "Validate me." |
| Anyone | "I'm not looking for validation. | "I'm so desperately looking for validation." |