we are america: on keeping the cost of lima beans down

I have conflicting feelings about immigration reform. On the one hand, we have right-wing cranks in Congress targeting illegals. They're taking jobs away from real 'Merikuns, we're told, and we need to erect a 750 mile fence along the Mexican border to keep them out. For those keeping score: whereas al Qaeda operatives don't merit a fence, crop-picking migrant workers do. Congress falls short of explaining to my satisfaction why illegals are such a threat to me and mine; they speak about an impending Hispanic population explosion, but such talk—historically also said about blacks, Chinese, and Irish, among others—make me squeamish. It feels like ethnic baiting. Score one for the illegals. I'm also sympathetic to the immigrants' point that families would be split, the legals remaining here and the illegals returning to Mexico. And there's some sense of historical justice in California and Texas slowly ceding back to Mexicans. If only American Indians would take it back from them, it'd be perfect.

Where the illegals lose me is with their obvious sense of entitlement. People who have broken the law, who have essentially cut in line in front of those who would immigrate legally, are taking to the streets to decry the unfairness of the enforcement of that law. Um, no. They might look like civil rights protesters, but they're essentially just squatters sneaking into the country and declaring that this gives them rights. Can I get a "Hell no?" In the immortal words of Teddy Pope, "Who the fuck is you?" I find their presumption offensive, not inspiring. It's like I have 150,000 Mexican relatives I knew nothing about until this week. Gimme, gimme, gimme, mine, mine, mine.

Which brings us to Bush, who offers the scarily pragmatic solution of temporary "guest worker" permits, which acknowledges the inevitability of migrant workers, makes them legal guests for a time, and puts in process a place that ultimately results either in their citizenship or in their leaving the country. It's hard to find flaw with this, save one: its source. Supporting a Bush measure makes me feel filthy. (I just know there's a clause requiring the guest workers to build new churches and Halliburton offices in Iraq.) The measure is damned by the company it keeps. Hence "I have conflicting feelings." Everyone's a bad guy. I'm hoping for a compromise solution that royally pisses everyone off. It's a safe bet.

Welcome to America. Viva democracia.

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Alternate heading: if you're america, how come the terrorists aren't trying to kill you?