Game tickets in wallet: check
Maalox in overnight kit: check
College-student housesitters in liquor cabinet: check
Top-shelf stuff in secure place: check
And with that, Football Weekend X begins. Look for me on TV at Ohio State-Michigan (I'll be the scarlet dot), Indianapolis-Cincinnati (I'll be the blue dot), and Minnesota-Green Bay (I'll be the bored dot). Yep. The latter sure sounded good when we planned this thing in April. But at least we'll be in a box seat in Lambeau freakin' Field. Hopefully, a box seat with closed-circuit TV so that I can keep one eye on Tommy Maddox setting a fumbles-lost record in Baltimore.
In the grand tradition of Joan Rivers and Joey Bishop, Katrina will serve as your guest host until my return. Miss me already, don't you? Her first order of business as guest host was to hunt down and kill the Ohio State music. She says "you're welcome." I'd originally planned a themed slate of guest hosts: ex-editor, ex-boss, ex-girlfriend, ex-student, and ex–point guard. But the negotiations were exhausting, so I did what comes naturally—I sloughed off all work on Katrina.
Katrina: Is there anything I'm not allowed to talk about?
John: Just don't mention anything that'll inhibit my getting hired or laid.
Katrina: Well, shit.