david letterman
saved my dog's life

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Ed ate rat poison yesterday.

I saw the guilty, just-stole-a-snotty-kleenex-out-of-the-trash look on her face as she slunk out of the pantry. I keep no food within her reach, though, only tools, so...oh shit. The tools were pushed aside, and the rat poison cake was gone. My mind snapped back to a Carson episode from 1991. David Letterman was the guest, and he was telling a hilarious story about his dog, Bob, eating spoiled meat. Curiously, Letterman's whole forgotten anecdote came back to me. Vividly.

...and then the vet said, "But if it were my dog, I'd want to get that meat out of there."

What did Letterman give the dog again? Think, John. Think.

So he said to give Bob a tablespoon of peroxide.

Do I trust this 14 year old memory? Of a comedian's act, yet? Do I have a choice? My dog is ingesting rat poison as we speak. How the hell do you get a dog to drink a tablespoon of hydrogen peroxide?

So I get a tablespoon and the bottle of peroxide and I put Bob in a headlock. And for the next ten minutes, it's collegiate wrestling.

Funny line! But focus, John, focus.

Finally I get a Windex bottle, fill it with peroxide, pry open Bob's mouth and squirt, oh, I don't know, about a quart down there.

While I prepare the Windex bottle, I'll just add some peroxide to milk and see if she'll drink it. Oh, good.

And Johnny, it was like magic. It happened instantly.

"Ed, get outside."

Boom! There's the meat again, pretty much just like the last time I saw it.

Boom! There's the rat poison again, pretty much just like the last time I saw it.

Only it had quite a head on it now.

Only it had quite a head on it now.

ed blanket 002_sm.jpg

A miserable Ed, recovering last night. She seems to be fine.